


Goner

by DestinedForDisaster



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (sort of), A lot of drugs, Anorexia, Anxiety, Break Up, Depression, Drug Use, Eating Disorder, Fighting, Hospitalisation, I forgot an important one, Insecure Louis, M/M, No Babygate, OT4, OT4 arguments, PTSD, Rape, Reality, Trigger warnigs, elounor is fake, lilo - friendship, louiscentric, multi-chaptered, otra, zayn's departure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:49:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5686369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestinedForDisaster/pseuds/DestinedForDisaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Zayn's departure, Louis tries to support his friends whilst picking up some of his old bad habits. When they lead him to a bad situation, his friends have to pick him up off the floor, even if he doesn't want them to. When Louis' habits and decreasing weight become too concerning to ignore, Harry steps in, finding the friend that he'd lost years ago in a broken man who thinks he's beyond repair.</p><p>Or Louis is attacked and is becoming a desperate case, Harry does everything he can to stop him from taking things too far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really excited to start posting this fic, I've been working on it for a while! Please comment and leave any criticism, it really means a lot! This is just the prologue but the rest of the chapters should be between 3k and 5k  
> Soph

Louis almost knew what was coming as his four band mates walked into the room. He could tell by each of their faces that something was up, that something had happened. Niall's face was red, eyes big and shiny with the tears that were rolling down his face. Liam was biting his lip harshly, his hands shaking as he cried. Harry was trembling, wounded sobs escaping his lips as he followed in behind his friends. Zayn was the only one not crying, although he looked incredibly pale and washed out.

“What's going on lads? Are you alright?” Louis asked as his door opened, jumping off his bed and going to Niall who immediately grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug, “Ni? What’s the matter lad, you know you can tell me!” his voice seemed so soft held the blond boy in his arms.

Niall begun to let out badly concealed sobs into Louis’ shoulder, tightening his grip around his friend.

“Lou?” came Liam’s voice as he reached out to touch his arm.

Louis turned slightly, still keeping one arm around Niall to see the rest of the boys, taking in each of their distraught faces. “Come on lads, what's going on? Talk to me,” he urged, taking Liam’s hand.

“Louis there's something I need to tell you,” Zayn begun, his voice nervous as he caught the older boys attention.

“What's the matter Z?”

“I'm leaving,” he whispered, causing more sobs to come from Harry who had his head buried in Liam’s neck.

“You're-you're leaving? You're leaving the band? You're leaving us?” Louis asked, increasing his hold on Niall.

“Yes.”

“When?” Louis asked the question that the others were yet to speak.

“Tonight. After the concert,” Zayn replied, avoiding his best friends eyes.

“Well you'd best get packing then,” Louis replied simply yet not unkindly, reaching for Zayn’s hand and giving it a squeeze before opening his arms to Liam and Harry who were holding onto each other desperately.

Louis had one arm around both Niall and Liam whilst Harry was in the middle of them all, his arms around Louis’ waist, head buried into his chest, “we’re going to be alright boys, I promise!” he reassured them, kissing each of their heads as the cried into his neck.

“Lou, what are we going to do without him?” Niall sobbed, causing Louis’ heart to shatter.

“I don't know but we’ll make it work, we’ll all be okay, I swear! I'm going to make sure we are.”

At some point Louis managed to untangle himself from the taller boys to get them to lie down. He lay on his back, Niall curled into his side and Harry rested his head upon his chest, Liam lay behind the long haired man spooning him. The slept like that. All of them except Louis who stayed awake staring at the ceiling. His entire world had come crashing down and he hasn't even allowed himself to process it for trying to protect his friends. He'd always been that way. He was the oldest and felt an overwhelming need to take care of the others. It was his duty, his responsibility to ensure that they were okay.

The concert that night was the most difficult of their careers. Despite wanting to run away from it all, Louis put on a brave face and did his best to act like he didn't want to run off the roof of the closest building. When Liam gave him a look that told him that he was struggling, he wrapped an arm around him as they sung, keeping him going. When he followed Niall off stage to go to the toilet he'd found the lad sat with Lou in tears. He'd immediately grabbed hold of the lad and comforted him to the best of his ability, hugging him tightly. When Harry had begun to sob as they sat in the van on the way back to the hotel after the show, he'd forced the car to stop and climbed into the back seat, despite all three of them already being occupied and had given the boys a loving talking to. It didn't matter that he was breaking over Zayn not reciprocating the group hug and ignoring him after they left the stage. He had to be strong for his boys. He was the leader of the group and there was no way that he was going to let them down.


	2. Holding Onto You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter one   
> Soph

He knew that he shouldn't be there. Louis knew that he was putting himself in danger but it didn't stop him from leaving the hotel, didn't stop him from risking so much for something that made him feel so alive. He pulled on a pair of shorts, the moist air of Dubai making even the nights unbearably hot. It was 3am when he padded out of his room, taking every precaution to move quickly but silently down the stairs to the reception. After having perfected the art of sneaking past security unseen over the previous weeks, Louis made his way out of the building with ease. 

Approaching the dark alleyway, Louis stuffed his hands in the pockets of his adidas jacket, the familiar sense of anxiety passing over him. He'd been doing this every night for more than two weeks now.

Since Zayn had left.

Since Zayn had left him.

It was their last night on tour before a two month break. A break that they were desperate for. Despite staying strong and united during the previous month's difficult events, each of the four remaining members of the band was struggling. Struggling to understand what had happened. Struggling to get past the feeling of betrayal. Struggling to accept that things would never be same. 

But in a few ways, things were better. The four of them had their friendship put to the test and it had survived without a single scratch. They were stronger, more determined than ever before and if Zayn wasn't there to share that with them, then it was up to them to show him and the rest of the world that there was nothing that would stop them from doing what they loved. Because they did love it.

It was just that they were always going to find it hard to manage losing a band member. Each of them had shared the last five years with him so of course it was going to take time for them to get through it. None of them more so, however, than Louis.

That was what lead to the drinking, originally. The media and their fans thought that it was his split with Eleanor but they were so wrong. When Louis and Zayn had gone out, they had been far from saints, but they levelled each other. Zayn was never afraid of telling him that he'd had too much. After Louis had taken his habits too far, Zayn had been the one to rein him back in and calm down the others when they found out. So when Louis came to the realisation that he no longer had his band mate to balance him out, he chose to send him the ultimate fuck you and do as he pleased. 

Similar to last time, Cocaine was where it started. Cocaine in a hotel bathroom in Manila of all places. Cocaine was what lead him here.

Specifically to an ally way round the back of their hotel in the middle of Dubai waiting for his contact to set him up. Waiting alone. 

And as he waited, he begun to reflect, similar to how he did every night. He missed Zayn, there was no getting past that. No matter how much he hated him at this very moment in time for turning his back on them, Louis couldn't help but crave for the friendship that they'd shared to return. Because he was so alone. Harry would have been the person who he'd turned to a few years before, but things were too messy now, too unpredictable that he feared that they'd blow up in his face. 

Harry had Niall now anyway, he had Niall to find comfort in as they mourned the loss of such a big part of their lives. It was how things had come to be over the last few years, Harry and Niall being thick as thieves, Louis and Zayn the same, and Liam being adored by all of them. Louis wished that he was able to turn to Liam, but he just couldn't. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with Liam, it's just that he didn't understand. 

Over the last few years, Zayn had managed to get Louis to open up about everything. Almost. Because as much as the others had always been a witness to the events that had transpired between he and Harry and management, not a single one of them had been able to understand it. They chose not to question why the pair were suddenly being forced apart, almost scared that their worst fears would have been confirmed. They remained ignorant as Louis was forced into things that he had no choice in, they stood by whilst every part of who he was was changed. Not Harry though, Harry had seemingly come out of it all unscathed, which only worsened the still unhealed wounds that Louis carried around every day. Harry had found a way to thrive off of every decision that was made for him whilst Louis found himself slowly dying.

Louis was pulled out of his thoughts by a hand grabbing his arm in the darkness, another shoving their hand into his mouth. He tried to scream, tried to kick, but he was thrown to the floor. It all happened so quick that he could barely even register what was going on. He felt the hand over his mouth suddenly being removed but was immediately replaced by a soft material that was thrust into his face. The person above him, holding him down on his stomach, was almost twice the size of him, the tight grip that they had on his arms creating bruises on his tiny arms. 

Realising that each kick he gave only made the man holding him down more aggressive, Louis stopped trying to fight against him, lying still as he prayed that he would get over with beating him up quickly. That's what Louis thought was happening. He thought he was   
being mugged. However when his shorts were suddenly pulled down, a rough hand grabbing the cheek of his bum, Louis was shocked into realisation. Every bit of fear in his body caused him to fight back, to scream out despite the sound being muffled. 

Tears poured down his cheeks as he was assaulted. One hand holding him down by his head, the other holding his wrists together as he was slammed into again and again, ripping him in half. The pain between his legs lost its sting as a sense of numbness washed over him. He could no longer hear the disgusting grunts of the man thrusting into him. He couldn't feel the hands that pulled at his hair or the gravel ripping his skin as his face was harshly rubbed against it. 

He started to think that it was over (silently praying that his life was over too) but a kick to his rib cage caught him off guard and he begun to scream desperately. Kick after kick hit his chest and his legs and by the time his beating was over, all Louis could do was lie still on the floor, his vision completely blurred by tears. He wasn't sure when it had stopped but some amount of time that he couldn't comprehend later, the stinging returned and he forced himself to get up. Desperate whimpers left his lips as he tried to walk back to the hotel, limping with each step. He got passed security again, his arm covering his mouth to muffle the noises of pain. Every breath he took was excruciating and the three flights of stairs he'd have to take where not an option so he snuck round to a lift.

The next thing he knew he was in the bathroom of his hotel suite, hunched over the toilet as he expelled the contents of his stomach into the bowl. Wave after wave of nausea passed through him, his muscles spasming as he gripped the seat to cement himself. Once he had finished he remained on the floor, resting his head on his arm as he attempted to steady his breathing. He continued to heave for several minutes after, but his stomach was empty and nothing more came up.

Somehow he found himself on the floor of the shower as steaming water washed over him, cleaning away the blood that had dried on his thighs and his face. Louis had always sort comfort in showers and baths, the water having an affect on him that he couldn't explain. It had been his sanctuary during tough times and he saw it as the only place he could break down. He hugged his knees close to his body, the hot water making it slightly more difficult to breathe but it wasn't a feeling that scared him, instead it made him feel safer, less alone. The sensation of the water running across his skin, stinging his eyes which remained open despite burning from the intrusion gave him the strength to finally let out the pain he was feeling.

At first it was a few tears, before he let out a strangled noise and his walls broke. He began to sob desperately, screaming and crying, as he stayed on the floor of shower. He felt like all the air had been knocked out of him as he wrapped his arms around himself protectively, almost attempting to hold himself together as he felt himself falling apart. tI had been years since he'd cried like this, years since he'd completely fallen apart and like the last time, he only had himself to put him back together again. Louis raked his hands through his hair, barely flinching when his nails caught against sensitive skin, the pain paling into insignificance against that of his chest.

As he calmed himself down he sloppily wiped the snot away from his face, allowing it to wash away down the drain like the blood had done. Finding himself unsteady on his feet, Louis clung to the radiator on the wall, ignoring the burn in his hand as he tried to balance himself. 

Louis noticed as he left the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist that the sun was rising over the horizon outside his window. Too exhausted to deal with anything at that moment in time, he pulled on a pair of boxers - specifically black as he was made aware from the stained towel, that he was still bleeding - and a loose fitting t-shirt before struggling to shut his curtains and climbing into bed. Even though the seating pain in his back being overwhelmingly bad, his damaged ribs forced him to lay flat so that he was just about able to breathe. He didn't sleep. Despite being too tired to function he didn't sleep. Instead he lay in the darkness, going into a state of shock.

 

Throughout the hours that followed there were several knocks on his door which he Louis didn't even register. The world moved on outside, completely unaware that Louis lay inside his suite alone and terrified. An entire day passed and his absence had only just begun to worry those outside the room but they chose to leave Louis alone. They had all needed their privacy recently and so it was only fair that they respected their band mates wishes. Despite wanting to infinite pestering the man, Sophia had managed to convince Liam to leave him alone and they'd instead spent their day in a spa, drinking cocktails and being pampered. Niall followed Liam’s lead and left Louis to himself choosing to spend his day in bed with room service and a load of films. Harry however had no idea that Louis was even in his room as they never spent any of their free time together anymore. It was only on concert days or at rehearsals that they saw one another and so Harry was none the wiser as he spent his afternoon catching up with Gemma who had flown out as soon as the news broke about Zayn.

On the third morning however, Liam decided to knock on Louis’ door yet again. When there was no answer, he pressed his ear against the door to which he only heard silence. 

"Louis?" he called, knocking again, "Louis mate, are you okay?"

No answer.

At that an uneasy feeling passed through Liam and he walked swiftly to Harry's hotel room, forcing him to smile falsely as he passed members of the crew as they left the hotel, suitcases packed. He found the younger lad lying on his back on the bed, Lux sat on his stomach playing with his hair. As was per norm, Harry’s room was unnecessarily tidy albeit for the corner of mess that was occupied by some of Lux’s toys. The rest of the boys had always found it amusing how Harry seemed to be exceptionally tidy whilst the rest of them quite happily lived in chaos, feeling an overwhelming need to organise the other boys possessions when they became messy during their time on the tour bus.

"Harry, Louis won't answer his door," Liam stated simply, entering the room, receiving a questioning look from Harry and a large grin from the little girl that was pinning him down.

"What do you mean? When did you last see him?" Harry asked, sitting up and cuddling Lux into him.

"After the last concert, he didn't leave his room yesterday or the day before and now he won't answer the door."

 

“Have you annoyed him or something?” Harry replied, rolling his eyes in annoyance, assuming that Liam was being overly concerned as per.

“Why does everyone always assume that if Louis’ pissed off, I'm responsible!” Liam groaned, earning a glare from Harry at his choice of wording.

“Language! And besides, it usually is your fault,” Harry defended, poking lovingly at Lux’s cheek.

“Not true,” he huffed.

"Anyway, I'll go and speak to Ni, see if he knows what's up, just keep trying," Harry said, ignoring Liam’s grumbling as he, picked up the grinning little girl and carried her with him as he went in search of his blonde haired friend.

Liam begun to bang on Louis' door again, calling his name loudly. 

Inside the room, Louis had been shaken from the numb state that he'd spent the last day in and was now hiding in the corner of his room. The noise of the banging had triggered something in him and now he was curled in on himself, desperately trying to protect himself from the dangers that lay outside his room. His knees bounced up and down as his whole body shook with fear, his eyes scrunched up, hands covering his ears, trying to block out the noise.

"Louis at least let me know you're okay, stop being an idiot!" Liam called, beginning to feel frustrated, "this isn't like you, what the fuck are you playing at?"

Harry walked towards Louis’ room, Niall in tow, trying to figure out why Louis had gotten into a fit and locked himself into his room. He found it odd how concerned Liam seemed when he came to see him because to Harry, it was a pretty minor and standard thing in terms of Louis’ extreme behaviours. However, it was when Harry heard Liam shouting at the door that he really started to worry. If Louis was pissed off, he would usually up and leave, spending three days stumbling between nightclubs and crashing on dirt cheap hotels, locking himself in a room was not something Louis did. Because as much as Harry liked to pretend that both he and Louis were completely different people now, he knew Louis like the back of his hand and he knew that there was nothing that Louis hated more than being alone. Despite being the feisty and strong minded lad he was, when Louis was left to himself it never ended well because his distraction would be gone and he would be forced to confront his own thoughts. So Harry was certain, that if Louis had in fact stayed in that room for three days straight, it was because something was seriously wrong.

"Liam, let me try?" he told Liam, knowing that his shouting was only going to cause Louis to react opposite to the desired aim, "Lou, it's Harry, can you let me come and see you?"

No answer.

"Niall, go and see Paul and get his key for Louis' room, tell him that he's locked himself out," Liam instructed quietly.

When Niall returned, he handed the key card to Harry who knocked on the door again, waiting a moment in hope of getting a response.

"Louis I only want to help you, please let me in, I won't do anything you don't want me to, however I do have a key and I'm going to have to come in if you don't let me" he urged, pressing his ear up against the door, hearing Louis' heavy breathing from inside.

He got no answer and so entered the room, immediately being hit by the stench of vomit. It was difficult to imagine Louis being stuck in here for so long and his mind went into overtime trying to work out why he hadn't called for help if he was ill. The room was dark, curtains drawn closed, every light turned off. Liam walked past him, feeling around for the light switch and turning it on. Louis was in the corner of the room, curled into a ball, trembling.

"Louis what the hell's the matter with you?" Liam said, his voice a mixture of anger and concern, as he walked over to him quickly, shaking him by his arm, not noticing the bruising on Louis’ skin.

"Louis?" Harry breathed out, putting his hand on Liam's shoulder.

"For god's sake Louis, talk to us!" Liam shouted, pulling him to his feet.

Louis screamed, fighting frantically to get Liam's arms off him, screaming in fear. Liam jumped back in shock at hearing Louis so scared, watching as he bolted out of the room. Sensing that Louis was a flight risk, Harry was already prepared for having to chase after the boy which he did so immediately, passing an incredibly confused and worried Niall on his way out of the room. 

Due to injuries, Louis’ speed was seriously impacted and Harry was beginning to gain on him as he tried his hardest to get to the exit of the hotel, knowing that if he made it there then Harry would likely give up. Each set of stairs sent a more intense feeling of dread than the last, each step increasing the agony that had encompassed his body. As Louis ran down the third flight of stairs, the pain that he was in became too much for Louis and he went down. He collapsed down three steps in agony, his head spinning. Watching Louis tumble from the landing above, Harry was quick to his side, bending down beside him.

"Please don't touch me! Please don't touch me, don't hurt me, I'm sorry please don't hurt me!" Louis screamed out as he scrambled to the corner, kicking at Harry wildly, putting his body in even more pain to create distance between them. 

Realising that Louis was having some sort of panic attack, Harry begun to speak calmly, "Lou, Lou, it's Harry, you're safe, I promise, I'm not going to hurt you."

Louis' screams suddenly ceased, his body going very still as he looked up at Harry, his eyes filled with terror as his face lost all emotion. He dropped his head back into the wall, staring at nothingness. Harry waited patiently, hoping that Louis would snap out of it in his own time but he just continued to stare into space, his face blank as if his mind had suddenly just stopped thinking and reacting. 

 

"Boo? Are you okay?" Harry whispered after Louis remained silent for several minutes. 

At the mention of Harry's long forgotten nickname for him, Louis' face crumpled and he began to sob desperately. He grabbed for Harry, clinging to his shirt and pulling himself into his chest as he cried. His screams shook his entire body, releasing everything that had been trapped inside of him for days.

"Shh, shh, Boo you're okay, you're okay, I've got you, I'm not going to let you go," Harry whispered into his hair, holding the small boy in his arms. 

He felt as if he was holding Louis together, that if he let go of him that he might completely break apart and at this moment, Louis felt like he really would.

 

…

At some point after his cries stopped, Louis passed out, his body desperate for rest. Harry had his back pressed against the wall, holding Louis with one arm, his other stroking his skinny bare legs as they shook. In just his tshirt and boxers, Harry could not only see every bruise that had been placed on his skin but also the unnatural way that his bones jutted out of his body. His cheekbones caved in and his collar bones sticking out showing how underweight he'd become.

Niall and Liam stood at the top of the stairs watching them in shock. Not only at Louis’ meltdown, but at the way Harry was holding the boy, the way he was whispering into his ear, the way Louis had calmed down at the softness of his voice. 

It had been years.

Years since they'd watched the two of them take care of one another, since they'd seen them move in sync, knowing the other like the back of their hands.

And in some ways it was also a relief to see Louis breakdown. When Zayn had left, Louis had lost it. He’d barely reacted. He'd held the rest of them together out of duty and as the days went by, they begun to worry when Louis stopped being with them every night and became more unresponsive, choosing to go out in his own. Despite their concerns that he was depressed, he hadn't once got upset. It wasn't like Louis was an overly emotional person but the rest of them had been heartbroken and it come as a surprise when Louis remained completely emotionless post-Zayn. 

That's what they thought.

Until they walked slowly towards the pair, noticing the marks up Louis’ legs and then his face. One eye was so badly bruised that it had swelled to a concerning surprise and his cheek was cut up and clearly unhealed. As Louis was only dressed in his boxers and a large t-shirt, they were able to see a large number of his injuries, particularly the finger shaped marks on his wrists and upper thighs.

“Harry, we need to get him into his room before we’re seen,” Liam whispered, kneeling down beside him and putting a hand on Louis’ forehead. There were beads of sweat dripping down the lad's face and his temperature was high.

“Ni, could you make sure I can get Louis into my room without anyone seeing. He's not going back to his because it reeks of sick and there's no way I'm leaving him on his own like this!” Harry told them, his voice thick, cracking when he first addressed his friend.

As Niall rushed up the stairs, being as quiet as possible, Harry lifted Louis up into his arms. He was so light. So much lighter than he remembered. Louis had never been particularly heavy, he was short and as the band had begun to pick up success, he'd started to take further pride in his appearance. Harry knew he'd lost weight. Everyone knew he'd lost weight. And rightfully, they had each been slightly concerned by Louis’ shrinking form, however after Louis dismissed them, they stepped back, believing that Louis knew best. Not Harry though. He'd never given Louis the chance to lie to him, instead choosing to ignore the obvious fact that Louis was sick and let him have the space that he'd forced everyone else to give him.

As Harry moved his arm to get a better grip on Louis to start to carry him up the stairs, he felt each of the bones in his ribcage. He knew at that point that if he was able to see Louis’ chest exposed that he would be able to see each rib protruding out of his chest. He looked up to see Liam staring at him, his face a knowing one and Harry then realised that everything he thought was true. 

“Zayn told me before he left, asked me to take care of Louis. He said he knew that Louis had been getting sick again,” Liam told him sadly, avoided having to use the words floating around his mind.

“How could I not have noticed?” Harry asked, biting his lip as an overwhelming feeling of guilt passed over him as he carried Louis up the stairs.

“I've been asking myself this every day since Zayn left. He told us he was fine and we believed him, but we should have pushed harder!” Liam shook his head, wiping away a rouge tear.

“What the hell is going on?” a hushed voice asked as they stepped into the corridor. It was Paul.

“Let us get Louis settled and we’ll come and speak to you,” Liam told him, going to Lou and wrapping an arm around her as she watched Louis being carried into Harry’s room.

Harry managed to get Louis under his covers with the help of Niall, careful not to wake him. After convincing Niall that he would take care of Louis, he and Liam left to speak to Paul, agreeing that they would wait until Louis had been properly rested to talk to him. Once alone with Louis, Harry stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, beside him, watching Louis sleep.

He stared hesitantly for several minutes, watching the rise and fall of Louis’ chest in soft yellow light of the lamp before pulling Louis towards him and holding him against his chest. He cried silently into Louis’ hair, placing kisses onto the top of his head. He cried for everything he'd lost, everything that had happened to the two of them, everything that could have been.

Louis wasn't his anything anymore. Not his friend. Not his lover. Not his partner. Harry was nothing to him, an insignificant person that he was just so happened to be forced to see everyday. He knew that he didn't have the right to hold him like this, to whisper the comforting words into his ears, to desperately want to ask Louis to let him back in. He wanted forgiveness for everything but he had no idea where to start or whether Louis would just punch him in the face for being such an idiot. Probably the latter knowing Louis.

He said that as if he knew Louis.

He didn't know anything about him.

Louis was a stranger.

Several hours later, Harry was jogged from his thoughts by Louis thrashing about in his sleep. Immediately realising that he was having a nightmare, Harry grabbed hold of the duvet and wrapped it tightly around Louis before climbing on top of him. He straddled his legs and wrapped his body around Louis’ small frame so tight that to most people it would have been almost suffocating.

“I want to write you a song, one as beautiful as you are sweet, with just a hint of pain for the feeling that I get when you are gone, I want to write you a song,” Harry sung softly into Louis’ ear as his breathing began to settle into a steady rhythm. 

As soon as he was sure Louis was okay, he climbed off of him and cuddled into him again. It struck as odd to Harry that he still remembered these little things about Louis which he would never dare admit. He knew that Louis would get more upset by nice comments than horrible ones but that he would obsess over criticism and pick at himself over the slightest thing. He knew that Louis needed a cup of tea first thing in the morning and that it was the best thing to give him in times of stress. He knew that Louis would get nightmares if his feet were too cold and the only way to stop them was to quite literally make him feel as hot and trapped as possible - for some reason, despite that being something that most people panic over, Louis found it comforting and calming. Harry also knew that none of the others knew these things the way he did because Harry was there for Louis when he would get overwhelmed in their flat, when he'd wake up in the night in their bed clinging to him, when he would break down because of the smallest thing after a long day.

Who was there for him now?

He didn't think he'd over forget those things because Louis meant so much to him. Every memory and experience that they shared was something that neither of them could ever forget. They both knew that. As much as they had convinced themselves that the other didn't care, they both knew that the things they had once shared were important and weren't worth letting go of completely. Even if the memory of the love and care they once shared, had caused more pain than it did comfort.

He missed it really.

“I've missed you so much,” he whispered softly, his voice broken.

“I've missed you too,” a voice croaked out against his chest.

Louis looked up at him, his hand reaching up to touch Harry’s face. Louis looked into Harry’s green orbs, only one of them able to open enough for the beautiful blue colour to be seen, the tears in them making Louis’ eyes sparkle before spilling out down his cheeks. Harry climbed off of him and got back under the covers, reaching out for Louis who wrapped himself in Harry.

“Boo, are you ok?” Harry asked, not breaking eye contact.

“Not really, no,” came the honest reply.

“Are you going to tell me what happened to you?”

“No.”

Harry begun to wipe away the tears from Louis’ cheeks, careful not to hurt the cut on his cheek or the bruising of his eye. 

“Haz,” Louis whispered, reaching up to touch the younger's face, stroking the unshaven stubble that had begun to grow.

In a moment of courage, Harry bent his neck down and pressed his lips softly against Louis’, kissing him gently before pulling away. He looked down at Louis, expecting his face to be filled with disgust but he was greeted by a sobbing Louis, lip trembling as whimpers left his mouth. Louis reached for Harry’s face, pulling him into another kiss, this one just as soft but much more passionate than the first. They continued to kiss, Louis’ tears falling onto Harry’s face as he cried. It all got too much and Louis was soon pulling away, loud sobs escaping his lips. He cuddled back into the long haired man's chest, clinging to him desperately.

“Please don't leave me again, Boo,” Harry whispered gently, before reaching over and turning out the lamp.

Nothing more was said as they drifted off to sleep, both knowing that there would be consequences to confront once the morning came.

 

...

Harry was woken by a loud knock on the door. He rolled over in bed to look he grab his watch,pulling away from Louis who had still been sleeping against his chest. 

8am.

When he turned back Louis, was climbing out of bed wordlessly, a few winces escaping his lips as he leant forward to stand up. Before Harry was able to say anything, Louis had already left the room, walking straight past a concerned Liam.

“Louis, are you alright buddy? We wanted to sit down and talk to you!” Liam followed Louis to his room but quickly had a bathroom door slammed in his face, “Louis could you at least answer me?”

“Fuck off Liam!” came Louis’ blunt reply before the sound of the shower came through the door. 

Liam stood stunned for a few moments. Despite their usual petty arguments, Louis hadn't once been nasty Liam after Zayn had left, he'd been almost too kind to him because he knew that that was what Liam needed. Louis had always taken care of the rest of them, taking his role as the oldest very seriously and always being the one to resolve arguments when he wasn't the one involved. 

So when Zayn shattered each of his friends hearts, Louis had laid in bed with Liam for hours, talking about their future, reassuring him that everything would be okay. He’d listened to Liam repeatedly attempting to hit Zayn’s notes and had complimented him more than was probably necessary, feeling the need to overcompensate. He'd sat with Niall when he panicked before their first official show without Zayn, reinforcing Niall’s confidence. He’d given him a loving cuddle because Niall had taken it all to heart, blamed himself for not being there for his best friend which had resulted in a huge blow to Niall’s self esteem when in reality, it was nobodies fault. He'd even separated a heated fight between Liam and Harry after the youngest had snapped, dragging him from the room and forcing him to join him for a run to release his anger. He'd say patiently as Harry had cried and confessed to Louis that it was more difficult than he ever thought it would be and he was finding it too much.

Louis had been an incredible friend, always giving them the time to talk about their feelings to him but at the same time keeping his own locked away. Liam had thought that he and Louis were finally becoming the best friends he'd silently always wanted them to be, but the way Louis had looked at him was cold and dead and Liam didn't recognise it.

“I'm going to Niall’s room, please come and see us when you're out!” Liam called through.

Louis stood under the hot stream of water, his eyes closed as the heat encompassed him and he lost himself in the comfort of the water. When Louis came back to his senses, he begun to wash himself, wiping away the blood from his legs. He begun to inspect every inch of his body, taking in his injuries for the first time. He traced the bruises on his arms with his fingers, the ghost of rough hands on his skin sending shivers down his spine. Louis encountered the worst pain from any of his injuries when he bent down to look at his legs. The steaming water had hit an area on his shoulder that made him scream out in pain. He looked round at the back of his shoulder blade, seeing that that his skin had turned black and there was pus spilling out of the wound.

Suddenly, nausea overtook him and he begun to throw up violently, leaving him shaking on the floor of the shower, watching as the bile was washed away.


	3. The Judge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting tougher for Louis and I'm sorry to say that it's worse from here on out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your lovely comments on the first chapter! I'm going to be posting a chapter per week hopefully and they should be uploaded by Friday - this weeks one is late because I was ill! Thank you so much to my gorgeous betas who have been fantastic, I love you very much! If anyone has any requests of either what they want to see happen for the future of this fic or maybe some one shots (either related say in the past or unconnected) then please let me know!  
> Also come follow me on Twitter if you fancy, I'm always up for a chat my @ is bouisbomlinson!  
> Soph x

After somehow managing to force some food down Louis' throat, the boys left him to himself, knowing that the more time they made him spend with them, the further he'd push them away. They sat in Niall's room, Harry was on one of the armchairs, his knees pulled up to his chest, head resting sleepily on them. Niall was lying on his front on the bed, his head towards them and Liam was sat on the floor for some reason, pulling distractedly at the carpet.

"What do you think happened?" Niall asked, disrupting the silence.

"He didn't say a word to me but it looks like he's had the shit kicked out of him!” Liam told them sadly. 

"His face is all grazed, like it was shoved into the ground or something, his arms and legs were covered in bruises! He must be in so much pain," Harry's voice was thick.

"I don't understand where he could've been attacked though! The night of the concert, I spent most of the evening with him playing Fifa, I only left because he wanted to go to bed," Liam tried to go over Louis' behaviour from that night.

"I know that we don't talk about it and I wouldn't bring it up unless I thought it was relevant but it's not exactly the first time Louis' lied to us," Niall stared at his hands as he spoke, taking a particular interest in his nails.

"You think he's using again?"

"Li! No way, he wouldn't!"

"Harry, you have to face facts that Louis was an addict. Whether you like it or not, he snorted that shit more times than any of us want to admit," Harry hated how calm Liam was as he said it.

"Louis was not an addict!"

"So what, he just snorted Coke occasionally? He never took Ket or Meth? You never walked in on Zayn shouting at because Oli let slip that he'd done Heroin and MDMA hmm? I'm sorry Harry but he was!" 

"Ni's right, Harry and we all know that the only reason he stopped was Zayn. You've more than anyone have seen him go into self destruct mode, Zayn was most definitely a trigger if he has gone off the rails again."

"Do you think that that's why he was attacked?" 

"It's a possibility."

"Then we're going to have to make sure that we keep an eye on him."

As the three of them went off to their own rooms to pack, they were totally unaware of how close yet far off they were from the truth.

...

It was 2am the following morning and the boys were sat in the hotel lobby, waiting for their cars to take them to the airport. They'd said their goodbyes to the team the evening before which Louis had remained in his room for, only allowing Lou Teasdale in to say goodbye. He'd sent a text to Paul to inform them of this and had insisted that Lux was not to come into his room, something that upset the little girl greatly. The other lads grew more suspicious, knowing that Louis would want nothing less than to upset her, it was a shock that Louis refused to come and see the distraught little girl who screamed outside his room.

"Who's going on the plane with me and Ni and the lads?" Liam asked, hoping that Louis would announce that he would be joining them like he usually did.

"I'm going on the quiet plane, you know I can't cope with you lot this early in the morning," Harry laughed, yawning loudly.

"I think I'll do the same, could do with a little more sleep," Louis told them, staring out of the window.

"Really Lou? That's not like you, you're usually well up for it," Niall told him, trying to hide his concern behind his smile.

"Well nothing's really like me anymore is it!" Louis whispered sadly. 

The rest of the wait was sat in uncomfortable silence, Liam exchanging supportive glances with Niall, Louis staring out the window and avoiding eye contact with the others and Harry dozing in the corner, having slept very little over the last two days.

When the drivers arrived and came to notify them, Louis turned to the others stating "I'm planning on having a spliff on the way so you lot should probably go in the other car."

"I'll join you, if that's okay, could do with one to be honest," Harry told him, following him to the second car before waiting for Louis to answer.

Sat in the back seats of the car, Louis took out a box from his rucksack and begun rolling up a spliff, handing the first to Harry and keeping the second for himself.

"You got a lighter?" Harry asked, taking it when Louis held it out for him. 

"Why did you really want to come in this car? I know that the drugs had nothing to do with it," Louis said bluntly.

"I just don't think that you should be on your own at the moment, that's all," Harry defended himself, taking another drag.

“I’m fine, honestly, I can take care of myself,” he told Harry, avoiding his eyes.

"But that's just it Louis, you shouldn't have to take care of yourself all the time. When was the last time you talked to someone?" 

"I'm fine and besides, even if I wasn't, who would I talk to? Our psychologist who just so happens to be our publicist? Yeah I'm sure that telling her that keeping me in the closet is making me have a breakdown will go down well,” he replied, his usual sarcasticness coming through. 

"Lou, you do realise that you're not the only one in this boat, I understand what you're going through," Harry told him, leaning back in his seat.

"No you don't understand Harry. It's fine for you! You were never forced into a long term relationship with a girl you barely even liked. You didn't have to change who you were and what you did to suit everyone else," Louis said calmly, staring at his knees as he smoked.

"You're right, I never had to go through what you did with Eleanor but I did have to be turned into a womaniser and pretend to date older women and self obsessed celebrities! Don't tell me I didn't have to change because what would you know of what I went through? You barely spoke to me! And seriously? I can do no wrong? Do you have any idea what I go through for being Harry Styles? And we all dabble Louis, it's just the rest of us aren't idiotic enough to film it!" Harry was full on shouting at him by the end.

Louis stared at him stunned, eyes filling with tears, "I'm sorry."

"So am I," Harry replied softly, patting his arm gently, "look Lou, I meant what I said yesterday, I do miss you. I know that we can't be close in public, but that doesn't mean that we can't be friends. Just Louis and Harry."

"I just want my old life back Harry! I just want to be able to be myself without having everything I do analysed. I want control but I don't have any!" Louis whispered, resting his head on Harry's shoulder as he smoked.

"Well then start to take it back. There are still things you can take control of, god knows it took me a long time to work it out but now I take control in the little things. I look exactly the way I want to look, wearing the clothes I do is my way of sticking two fingers up at management. Modest can't change who I am when I perform and if acting like an idiot is who I am then that's how I'm going to be! As much as they can force you to behave in a certain way, there's always ways around it, I promise!" Harry assured him.

....

"We're here," the driver told them, parking up in front of the airport entrance.

As usual, the airport was crowded with fans and photographers, all desperate to catch a glimpse of the two.

"Are you ready Lou?" Harry asked, turning to his band mate who had pulled up the hood of his jumper and was shaking slightly.

"I guess, pass me my rucksack would you," he asked nervously, adjusting the hood so that it covered more of his face.

"You know that they're going to see, it doesn't matter what you do," Harry told him truthfully, handing him his rucksack as he took his own bag.

"Let's just do this then."

Harry climbed out of the car first, opening the door to Louis who joined him after a moment. The shouts and flashes started immediately but Harry still heard Louis wince in pain as he swung his bag over his arm. Harry turned to him, taking the rucksack from him and carrying it along with his own before pushing through the crowd.

"Louis, what's happened to your face?"

"Louis, is it true that you've been in a fight your other band members?"

"Are One Direction splitting up?"

"Are you in a fight with Liam and Niall? Did they do that to your face?"

"Does this have anything to do with Zayn?"

The main thing that Louis heard was the screams of fans saying "Larry!" 

Because Harry was wrong. They couldn't just be Louis and Harry.

It was overwhelming.

Harry turned around to check to see if Louis was okay but instead found that they'd been separated and that Louis was several meters behind and surrounded.

"Get out of the way!" Harry shouted, pushing past the journalists to gently grab Louis who was panicking in the midst of all the commotion.

"Harry, help!" Louis pleaded as the younger wrapped his arms around him and guided him out of the crowd quickly, shouting at anyone who got in their way.

 

Louis hid his head in Harry's chest, allowing Harry to lead him as he tried to focus on his heart beat rather than the commotion around him.

After a few minutes of struggling to get through the airport, security stepped in and they were taken into a lift. Louis immediately went to the corner, hiding his head in his arms as he cried, shaking more than before.

"Lou? Come on breathe for me, come on," Harry turned him around gently, taking his trembling hands and breathing deeply as example.

"I can't do this Harry, I can't!" Louis tried to tell him as he cried harder.

"Hey, yes you can, you're stronger than you think."

"Not anymore," Louis whispered, leaning his head back against the cold metal of the lift and letting out a long drawn out breathe.

"I'm sorry Mr Styles but we're about to reach the next floor and there are still press outside," the woman who was guiding them through the airport told them, doing her best to remain professional and not stare at the confusing scene before her.

"Thanks," Harry replied before turning back to Louis, "we're nearly at the plane, do you think you can hold it together until then?"

Louis only nodded, just as the doors to the lift opened and the cameras began flashing again. Harry wrapped an arm around Louis' waist, holding him tight to him so that he could get them out of the way of the photographers as quickly as possible. It took a few more minutes but they were soon walking through a door with security behind them, stopping anyone from following them through. Despite being away from the commotion, Harry kept his arm securely around Louis' waist as they boarded the plane, taking their seats.

"Louis, we're here now, are you okay?" Harry asked, buckling up his seat belt so that they were able to take off as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine, sorry!" he replied, staring out the window vacantly.

"You don't need to be sorry, it's not your fault."

"Still, you shouldn't have to take care of me like that, it's hardly like we're close these days."

"That doesn't matter Louis, I'll always be here for you when you need me! Besides, it's not exactly the first time I've had to calm you down in a panic and I'm almost certain that you've never let the others see you in one so it's not like they would know what to do," Harry's voice was so genuine that Louis couldn't help but believe him.

"Thank you then, I don't know what I'd have done if I was on my own. I shouldn't have panicked, I guess I've just been a little more jumpy since..." he trailed off, Harry still had no clue and Louis was planning to keep it that way.

"It's alright," Harry yawned, patting his arm before resting his head back against his seat as they took off. 

As soon as they air hostess informed them that they were free to get up, they simultaneously got up to walk to the bedroom at the end of the cabin. As normal, there were two double beds side by side and an arm chair, a door on one side leading them to the toilet.

"Tired?" Louis asked as Harry yawned again, dumping his bag on the floor and climbing onto his bed.

"Yeah, I haven't really been sleeping very well," he replied exhaustedly, climbing under the covers.

"Why not?"

"Stress I guess," he shrugged, watching Louis as got into the next bed before turning off the light, he listened to Louis shuffling about in bed, letting out a small Yelp, "Louis, are you alright?"

"Yeah fine," he replied hoarsely.

Choosing not to press him, Harry changed the subject, "you know, I'm glad that the others went on the other plane."

"Why?"

"Well Liam snores and Niall always gets restless when he's flying so it's always a stressful experience," Harry laughed into the darkness before adding "and it's been a long time since I flew just me and you."

"That's something I don't miss... Sharing a room with the others that is!" he added hurriedly, "Liam always snored so loud, I don't understand how Sophia deals with it! And I swear, Niall would take up the whole bed and I'd be lying on the edge whilst he pretended to be a dead starfish," Louis laughed fondly.

"And Zayn alw-" Harry cut himself off before he could finish, looking down guiltily.

"You can talk about him you know," Louis reassured him.

"I know, it's just it hurts a bit, I still don't understand!" Harry whispered, starting to feel the strange sensation in his stomach, a feeling of sickness and loss, a feeling he had more often than not associated with Louis.

"Neither do I, after me and you- he became my best friend and as much as I knew he was unhappy, I had no idea that it was that bad! I can't helping thinking how bad a friend I was to him that I didn't know. It's not exactly the first time I've lost the person closest to me," Louis replied, half to himself.

"Hey, it's not your fault he left!" Harry told him, climbing out of his bed and lying down next to Louis, "and for the record, you haven't lost me. Things may be difficult right now but I'm never going to leave you."

"I know I pushed you away, I just thought it was for the best," he sniffled, his breathing calmer than before.

"Can I touch you Lou?"

"Yes." 

At that, Harry pulled the smaller boy into his arms and held him gently but tightly. Louis moved about slightly to find a comfortable position, the familiar feeling of warmth filling his body as he rested his head on Harry's chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. It was fast, quickening as soon as Louis wrapped his arm around Harry's waist. Louis let out a long sigh before allowing his exhaustion to lead him into a deep sleep.

...

Harry was awoken by the sound of Louis whimpering in his sleep, burying his head into his chest and gripping to his stomach desperately. He ignored the pain in his side caused by Louis' nails and begun to whisper quietly to the smaller man, attempting to calm him. 

Louis woke up moments later, half jumping of the bed as he begun to shout, none of it making sense as Louis scrambled away from him.

"Stop, please, please stop!" Louis begged, clearly not aware of where he was.

"Louis, you're on the plane, with Harry, it's just me and you and you're completely safe," Harry whispered, keeping his distance and showing Louis his arms to try to find a way to prove that he wasn't a threat.

Louis continued to panic, clawing at his own skin as he slunk back into the corner of the cabin. 

Realising that he needed to be quick about calming Louis down, Harry rolled up the sleeve of his shirt to show Louis his wrist. 

"Lou, look at your wrist," Louis looked at Harry oddly but obliged.

"You're the rope to my anchor. Do you remember when we got these? I promised that I'd always be there to help you when you need me and I'm here for you right now. I swear that I'm not going to hurt you," Harry explained to him, leaning down and putting their wrists side by side.

Louis reached out with his other hand, tracing the anchor permanently marked onto Harry's skin with his finger before moving to his own tattoo.

"I'm sorry for freaking out on you again."

"It's okay, I just want you to be alright," Harry replied, extending his hands to help Louis to his feet.

As he stood, Louis let out a yelp of pain, biting his lip, eyes filling with tears.

"Lou, answer me honestly, are you in pain?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

"Can I have a look? 

"Yes," he said again before adding into Harry's collarbone, "Promise that if you ask a question and I don't want to answer that you you won't push me." 

"I promise."

Harry switched the light back on whilst Louis sat up in bed, before taking off his hoodie and exposing his arms. Harry had to stop himself from gasping, biting his lip as he looked at the purply green bruises that covered the most part of Louis arms. Louis reached down to the hem of his T-shirt and took it off slowly, before wrapping his arms tightly around his front. Harry could see the bruising on his chest which was definitely worse than those on Louis' arms.

"Where is it that hurts most?" Harry asked tentatively.

"My shoulder and my chest."

Harry moved to Louis', this time letting out an audible gasp as he looked at the obvious bite on Louis' shoulder. It was badly infected and clearly needed medical attention.

"Louis I need to get you to a hospital!" Harry told him worriedly, causing Louis to swing round.

"No way, why?" Louis half shouted.

"Whoever did this to you bit your back and it's seriously infected Louis, it needs to be treated!" Harry told him, looking at his watch, they'd only been asleep for five hours and they were unlikely to be landing for another 2 and a half.

"Yeah because me going into hospital isn't going to draw even more negative attention to us! If you think that I'm going to let you drag me into hospital then you've got another thing coming!" Louis begun to yell.

"No one has to know!" Harry tried to reason to him.

"What do you suggest, we land at the airport and then just hop into an ambulance in front of the press? You're a fucking idiot Harry!" 

"Grow up Louis and stop being such a selfish bastard!" he screamed.

 

“You're pathetic, you know that Harry?” 

“And you're not? Look at yourself Lous!” Grow up and let me take you to the fucking hospital!” 

“I've told you, I don't want to go to the hospital so get out of my face before I make you?” Louis was no longer shouting but he was clearly furious.

"You know what Louis, I don't care what you want, when we get off this plane you will get into an ambulance and you will allow them to treat you! I swear, if I have to manhandle you to get you there then I will, because making you hate me is better than having you dead!" Harry told him angrily, his face growing red.

"What makes you think that I don't already hate you?" Louis growled, before adding "I'm going to go into the cabin and I suggest you stay in here unless you fancy a black eye!" 

Harry watched as Louis stormed off, slamming the door. 

 

…

As soon as Harry was in his car, he phoned Niall, knowing that he was probably already on his way home. 

“Ni? Louis needs to go to hospital but he won't listen to me! He's seriously hurt and he said he hates me and I don't want him to hate me, I just want him to be okay because I love him and he hates me and I don't know what to do!” Harry rambled done the phone, crying.

“Harry slow down! How badly is he hurt?” Niall asked, shushing Liam who was already asking his own questions.

“He got bitten on his back and it's infected and his chest looks pretty bad too!” Harry explained, hearing it out loud making it so much more real.

“Ok, well me and Liam will go over there in a few, I don't know what's gone on but I think you should leave him to cool down. If he's hurt then he's going to get defensive and you and him arguing will just make it worse!” Niall sounded so calm and it made Harry feel ridiculous for getting upset.

“I'm sorry, I just, he was so angry and I've never seen him like that!”

“It's okay, honestly H don't worry! You just go home and rest, we’ll give you a call as soon as we speak to him,” they said their goodbyes before hanging up.

…

Louis sat curled up in the back of the car, headphones in as he attempted to rest. Louis flicked through the music on his phone, looking for a specific album. Takk. Harry had bought it for him whilst they were living together, some alternative Icelandic band that Louis had secretly fallen in love with ever since. He'd never admit it to Harry but he adored several of the hipster musicians that he'd introduced him to, finding that they relaxed him, took him away from where he was and dropped him in an alternate serene universe where all the negativity had suddenly vanished into thin air.

He laid his head back against the window, eyes closed as he listened to the sounds of the piano ran through his veins. He begun to smile softly as peace engulfed his entire body and he let go. Music is a special thing. It can take you to places that don't exist anywhere on earth. It makes you feel things that can change your mood in a matter of beats. It can bring you calm as well as confidence, it can fuel your anger or diminish it. Music is a powerful thing and Louis always allows himself to feel the full force of its effects. 

He'd been in the car for more than an hour, Sè Lest playing for the second time as the floating feeling remained. He didn't notice that the car had come to a stop nor that he was at his house. However he was quickly disturbed from his daze by bangs on the window where his head was resting.

“Louis!” 

It was Liam.

Louis grabbed his rucksack and climbed out of the car into the pouring rain, looking anywhere but the two boys eyes.

“Louis, we’re taking you to the hospital,” Niall stated simply, wrapping his jacket tighter around him.

“No you fuckin aren't now get out of my driveway!” Louis hissed, walking towards his front door, feeling the water seep into his shoes.

“Quit being an idiot and let us get you checked out! Harry told us-” but Liam was cut off by Louis’ face inches from his own.

“Harry told you what exactly? Why can't any of you stay out of my fucking business! You know what, I see why Zayn left! You have no idea what any of you are like! Niall grow the fuck up and stop acting like a child! Do you have any idea why Zayn didn't talk to you? It was because none of us can deal with you being so annoying! It's so infuriating and I'm surprised that the others say they can tolerate you because I surely can't! And for the record, the only reason that Harry relies on you is because I've washed my hands of him, Liam’s too absorbed with his stupid girlfriend to care and Zayn barely liked him anyway. And Liam, learn what it actually means to be a good friend, to be a supportive friend because Jesus Christ if you just considered that for one minute then maybe our ‘best friend’ might not have considered leaving us! You both made him feel so overwhelmed and lonely! How could you prioritise the rules and public image over your best friends feelings! You really are the biggest waste of space I've ever met,” Louis was furious by this point, jamming his fingers into Liam’s chest.

“Oy!” Niall shoved Louis away from Liam, “you're out of order! Who the fuck do you think you are? I've spent the last few years feeling sorry for you because I thought that you were a good guy! You know what Louis, you deserve every single one of the shitty things that happened to you! You disgust me!”

“You tell us that it was our fault that Zayn left when you were the closest to him. You were the one he trusted and yet you still didn't have a clue because you're selfish! You let him down, you let us down and you can't try to blame us because you can't take the guilt! You're a shit friend Louis and a dissapointment! Although that's nothing new is it!” Liam shoved him slightly before following Niall to the car and speeding off down the round.

Louis sat on his porch, staring up at the grey sky as he cried. He felt so alone. So desperately alone and not a single one of his friends was there to help him. To support him.

Niall was right, he did deserve it. He deserved everything. He'd let them all down and they were never going to forgive him. It was all his fault. He was disgusting. He was a disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment, it really helps me out x


	4. Fairly Local

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like the last person Louis wanted to save him is exactly what he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm really sorry for not uploading this last week, I'm mid mocks and so I had t had the chance to proofread this until just now! Thank you so much for the comments and kudos on the last chapter, I can't wait to upload the next one, I think some of you will enjoy the outcome for a certain character! 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, hit me up on Twitter @ bouisbomlinson y'all really make me smile!
> 
> Soph x

It was four days into the break and Liam was due to start writing with Louis for their new album. The plan had been for them to meet at Jamie’s country house up north so that they could write in a peaceful environment. It was now 2 hours after the agreed time and Louis was still nowhere to be seen. He'd not answered his phone to any of the boys since the argument and despite Liam’s angry voicemails and text messages, the boy didn't reply. 

Deciding that enough was enough, Liam dialled Jay’s number to see if he had left her house yet. Louis had planned to spend a few days at his mums to see the girls. All the boys were aware of how desperately he'd missed his mum since Zayn’s departure and how much the woman had worried about him.

“Liam love, how are you?” came Jay’s cheery tone down the phone, she was mid feeding Doris 

“I'm good Jay, thank you, I was just wondering if Louis has left yet as he’s not turned up and he won't answer his phone,” Liam tried to sound as calm as possible but in reality his blood was boiling.

“I've not seen Louis yet, he told me that you’d brought forward your dates for writing and were changing things around! I've not even spoken to him in at least three days love,” Jay explained worriedly.

“I don't want to worry you but I think something's seriously wrong! Something happened last week and he was badly injured and he lashed out at us all, said some really awful things!” Liam bit his lip as he thought back to Louis sobbing desperately into Harry’s arms.

“Oh god he never told me that! He's probably still at home, are you able to get to him? I'm going to drive down but it’ll take me at least 3 and a half hours! What if he's hurt Liam!” 

“I'm in Lancashire and that's at least 4 hours away! I'm so sorry!”

“What about the other boys? Where's Niall?” Jay asked, Liam could hear her rushing around her house. 

“Niall’s in Ireland but I know that Harry’s at home! Louis’ furious with him as well though,” Liam told her sadly.

“It doesn't matter, I just need to know he's okay! I don't care how stubborn he is, I'm sure Harry can manage!”

“Okay well I'm going to leave now to get down there too, give me a call if you hear anything!” Liam replied before saying his goodbyes and hanging up.

Jay put her phone down on the table before taking a deep breathe and going to find her husband.

“Dan!” she called, carrying her youngest daughter up stairs.

She found him sat in Pheobe and Daisy’s room helping Phoebe with her maths homework.

“Girls, can I grab Dan for a second?” she asked softly, throwing a serious glance his way.

Both twins groaned but allowed him to leave to speak to their mother in private.

“What's all this about love?” he asked.

“Something's wrong with Lou, I need to get down there to see him because I can't get hold of him!” 

“I thought he was doing some writing with the boys?” Dan questioned, worriedly.

“Turns out he lied, he never turned up! He's fallen out with all the boys and Liam said that he was injured quite badly last week but wouldn't let anyone take him to hospital,” Jay begun to worry more as she thought about it.

“Go to him then, Fizzy, Lottie and I can hold the fort back here so don't worry about that, go see your son!” he urged taking the little girl off her and kissing his wife's cheek.

“Make sure you get the girls to school on time and remember to take Phoebe for her doctors appointment on Wednesday!” she fussed before rushing into her room and packing a load of clothes, knowing that whether Louis was okay or not that she'd stay with him for at least a few days to make sure.

“Girls, come down stairs, I need to speak to you all it's urgent!” Jay shouted up the stairs as she put her bags by the front door.

One by one, the girls walked down the stairs to the hallway followed by Dan. Lottie stood there with Ernest in her arms and Fizzy with Doris.

“Mum, why are your bags packed? Are you going away?” Daisy spoke first, look up at her mum sadly.

“Something's come up and I have to go see your brother for a few days,” she begun but was quickly interrupted by Felicity.

“I thought he was writing music this week, you said that was why he wasn't coming! Is he sick? Is this because of Zayn? Oh my god is the band splitting up?” Fizzy panicked, causing the rest of the girls to start asking Jay multiple questions.

“Look, your brother is fine, the bands not splitting up and he’ll be home to see you all soon. You know your brother is going through a rough time so he really needs me right now but you've got to trust me,” Jay reassured her daughters before turning to speak specifically to Phoebe and Daisy, “now girls, I need you to be on your best behaviour, go to bed on time, listen to Dan, you know the drill.”

“Yes mum,” the both complained.

“Right, then go and finish your homework then,” she smiled, hugging and kissing them both before shooing them up to their rooms.

“What's really going on mum?” Lottie asked in a hushed voice.

“I don't know love but everything will be fine, I just need to be with him.”

“Phone us everyday!” Fizzy insisted.

“You know I will love,” she replied, pulling both of her eldest daughters into a tight hug.

After saying goodbye to her entire family and ensuring that they'd be able to cope without her for an undetermined amount of time, Jay climbed into her car and rung Harry through the hands free.

“Hey mum,” he answered almost immediately.

Unbeknownst to Louis, despite the nonexistence of his and Harry's current relationship, the curly haired lad had remained particularly close to his mother. Harry visited Jay every time that the band was on a break and Louis wasn't there, having decided it was necessary to keep it between the two of them. At present, Harry called Jay almost as often as he called his own mother, having found himself trusting the woman with almost anything

“Hey Harry, how are you doing? Enjoying your break?” Jay asked, her love for the young lad ever present. 

“Yeah, I’ve been sorting out the garden a little, saw my mum and Robin yesterday,” he replied cheerily, “how are you, spending time with Louis?”

“That's what I wanted to talk to you about-”

“Oh god he told you didn't he! I'm so sorry mum I didn't mean for it to happen, I shouldn't have shouted at him but I didn't know how else to get through to him!” and at that Harry begun to cry down the phone.

“Harry… I haven't even spoken to Louis, he never turned up and now he's not turned up for writing with Liam. What's going on love, Liam told me that he was beaten up but I didn't know any of it had anything to do with you. Just stop crying love and start from the beginning,” she soothed, trying to keep her attention on the road.

“H-he’s been really distant since Zayn left, he tried to take care of all of us like he always does but he didn't get upset like the rest of us. He was so calm and I didn't understand it because they were closest and yet he never even cried! I don't think he's processed any of it, it's like he doesn't want to believe it's happened! But then after the last concert we didn't see him for three days and when we eventually got into his room he was really hurt! Liam got annoyed with him and Louis freaked out and was screaming and crying and he ran but then he collapsed and let me hold him and I don't even know how half of it happened but because he'd been sick in his room we put him in my bed and I slept in there with him,” Harry was talking so fast that it was almost the average speed of speech for a regular person.

“Harry breathe!” Jay ordered, pulling over in the side of the motorway, “what happened after that?”

“The next morning when we were in the car he said that I didn't understand what it was like for him and I got angry! I was so angry and I shouldn't have been but then we apologised and it was fine. When we got to the airport, he was so scared of all the press and he panicked a bit, Jay the pictures they took of him were so awful, he looks petrified and they keep saying that Liam did it because him and Niall weren't with us but he didn't touch him I swear!” 

Whilst Harry spoke, Jay pulled up the pictures on her phone and saw the images of Louis’ bruised face and caved in cheeks, tears running down her face as she saw more and more pictures of her son in pain.

“And then on the plane he was in pain and so I made him show me his back and the person who attacked him must have bitten his back and it was so bad, it was all infected! I tried to get him to go to hospital but he got so angry, he said that he hated me and wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the flight! It was so bad, it seriously needs to be looked at!” Harry finished, sniffling slightly.

“Harry, I know that Louis’ angry at you but I need you to do something for me, I'm on my way down from Doncaster but I'm going to be a few hours and I need you to go and see him for me, if you wouldn't mind, just to put my mind at ease,” Jay asked him softly.

“Of course mum, I'm fairly local anyway, what should I do if he doesn't answer though?” 

“Anything, break a window if you have to, just make sure you get inside there and make sure he's alright because right now I'm not sure that he is!” 

“Okay, I'm on my way now, I won't be too long! I'll see you soon mum,” Harry replied, rushing out of his house to the car.

“Oh and Harry,” Jay added.

“Yeah.”

“If you have to call an ambulance, you do it okay, it doesn't matter what he'd want or what he says!” 

…

As Harry drove, his caution for the speed limit was abandoned and he raced his way around London to get to Louis’ home. As much as he hadn't been a regular guest in Louis’ most recent home, he'd often secretly met Jay in an almost abandoned cafe near to Louis’ home when she’d visited her son so he knew his way there. It was odd for him to not be familiar with where Louis lived, their first ever home had been together and their other flats had always been open to the other but not now. They'd only ever invited one another for social gatherings, never on their own like they did the other boys. Things were so different. 

When Harry arrived outside the house he parked in Louis’ drive and rushed to the front door, his boots loud against the floor.. He took a deep breathe before banging loudly on the front door. Unsurprisingly he received no answer but he continued to knock anyway. Louis’ car was still outside his house so it was unlikely that he was out and considering the way he looked, it would have been preferable for him to keep out of public.

Remembering what Jay had said to him earlier, Harry walked round to the side of the house to find the gate leading to his back garden. Without thinking he kicked the door in the perfect place and the bolt flew off. That had been something Louis had taught him how to do when he'd started corrupting Harry. He ran to the back of his house, immediately being knocked down by Louis’ dog Ted, a huge and always excitable labradoodle that had been living with Louis’ friend Stan whilst he went on tour. Louis had got Ted when he'd moved in here because he always got lonely after tour and he needed a distraction for when he was alone.

Louis was clearly at home as his back door was wide open to allow the dog out into the garden. Ted suddenly began to bark and ran inside, Harry chasing after him. 

“Louis? Louis, it's Harry, where are you?” he called as he rushed through the house after the dog.

Harry entered Louis’ large open plan kitchen to find said man on the floor unconscious. His kitchen surface was covered in medical supplies including several dirty dressings that were soaked with blood. Beside him was a smashed mug of presumably tea which had scolded his hand. Rushing to his side, Harry went to touch his face, pulling his hand away when he felt how hot Louis’ skin was. 

“Louis? Louis can you hear me?” Harry asked loudly, shaking his body.

When Louis didn't respond he grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialled 999.

“Hello 999 which emergency service do you require?” came a woman's voice down the phone.

“Ambulance, I found my friend, Louis unconscious ,” he told her before giving her Louis’ address.

“Okay love, can you give me your name?” she said kindly, sensing his panic.

“Harry, it's Harry.”

“Ok Harry, can you tell me what's going on?” 

“He was attacked a week ago and we were worried about him so I came to see him and he wouldn't answer and so I got into the back and I found him on the floor! He's burning up and he's so pale, he looks so sick!” Harry explained hurriedly, taking Louis’ hand in his own.

“Right, Harry, I need you to listen to his breathing for me, how does it sound?” 

“It's fast,” Harry replied immediately.

“Okay love, I need you to put one hand on his forehead and place the other beneath his chin and tilt his head back to clear his airway,” she instructed, “and once you've done that carefully roll him onto his side and make sure that he's still able to breathe.”

Harry did so as carefully as possible, trembling hands coming up against sharp stubble as he attempted to put Louis into the recovery position. When Louis was successfully lying on his side, Harry noticed the blood seeping through the back of Louis’ white adidas t shirt.

“There's blood coming from the wound on his back!” Harry told the operator, beginning to panic even more so.

“Okay love, do you have any sort of medical kit near you? Anything sterile that you could use to stem the bleeding?” came her calm and professional reply. 

Harry jumped up from where he was sat behind Louis, going to the side which was covered in swabs. He grabbed a load of unopened packs and brought them back to where Louis was still laying unconcious.

“I've got some swabs!” Harry told her anxiously, waiting for what to be told next.

“Right, I need you to get wipe away the blood and once the area is clean, press a new one to his back and apply a lot of pressure,” she told him, hearing him opening the packs.

Harry grabbed a pair of scissors from Louis’ kitchen drawer and begin cutting off the t shirt, his mind drifting to the thought of Louis’ reaction to the destruction of one of his favourite t shirts. He carefully pulled the material from Louis’ shoulder, seeing the horrific wound on Louis’ back. Wiping away the blood, Harry did his best not to cause any more damage, however once he saw that the sound was clean enough he begun opening a new swab.

“It's clean!” he called down the phone that was now on loud speaker beside Louis’ body.

“Right now Harry, I need you to press hard on Louis’ back, it's not going to hurt him but it's going to probably give him a much better chance of getting through this!” Harry did as she said, pressing hard against the wound to try and stem the flow. 

Suddenly, loud shouts begun to echo through the house, “hello, is anyone here?”

“In here!” Harry all but screamed, glancing to the kitchen door as two paramedics came into the room.

“Hello mate, I'm John and this is Andrea, can you tell us what's going on?” said the man, crouching down beside him.

“He was attacked last week and I was worried about him because no one's heard from him for days and I came in and he was on the floor,” Harry explained hurriedly as the woman began to check for Louis’ vitals, “is back is bleeding really bad and I think is infected.”

“What's his name love?” Andrea asked, gently shaking Louis’ shoulders.

“Louis.”

“Louis, can you hear me love? Louis?”

No response.

“Okay love, we’re going to get him into hospital and have a doctor take a look at him, do you know how bad his injuries were?” 

“The wound on his back was a bite and he was all bruised especially on his ribs!” Harry explained as John went out to the ambulance, returning with a trolley.

After putting a dressing on Louis’ bite they lifted Louis up and placed him on the stretcher before taking him into the ambulance.

“Am I able to come with you?” Harry asked nervously as he shut the door to stop Louis’ dog from getting out.

“Of course, there's a seat at the back of the ambulance,” Harry climbed in after them, sitting down and watching as Louis was connected to a monitor.

The paramedic started to write down notes according to the machine before turning to Harry and asking, “sorry love, I never even caught your name.”

“It's Harry, Harry Styles,” he told her, hoping she wouldn't recognise him.

“I thought I recognised both of you but I didn't want to assume. I can imagine that privacy is important for you both so I'll make sure that the emergency department get you seen to in a private room. Now, is it alright if I get down some of Louis’ personal information?” she asked kindly, she seemed so genuine that Harry felt Louis was in safe hands.

“Yeah, thanks so much,” Harry replied lamely, slightly stunned by her reaction.

“Name and date of birth?”

“Louis William Tomlinson and 24th December 1991,” Harry answered without having to think.

“Does Louis have any pre existing medical conditions or allergies that you know of?”

“None.”

“Is he on medication?”

“Not that I know of.”

“And other than today and the assault, how is Louis’ health generally?” when Harry hesitated, she added, “Harry, all of this is confidential.”

“He um, he's lost a lot of weight recently and he's been acting really odd, like his mood changes so quickly and he gets so frustrated which isn't like him at all,” Harry told her honestly.

“Ok love and I know that this probably isn't a question that you want to answer but again, everything you say is completely confidential and won't be passed on. Does Louis take any illegal substances, drugs of an sort?”

Harry thought for a moment about his answer before replying, “yes but it's complicated. I know for sure that he smokes weed and that he did have a cocaine addiction for some time but I don't know anymore, he's been so off since Zayn left that he barely even reacted and I think he's started using again, we all do but he's impossible to approach and oh god I'm so scared! What if he has started using again? How am I going to get him to stop? I don't want it to end up like last time!” his rambling stopped for a moment as he took some air so Andrea took advantage of it to get a word in.

“What happened last time?” she questioned, making a few notes.

“We found out that he'd done Heroin and there was a massive fight about it and Louis broke down, started saying that he hated us all and wanted to leave the band. I'd never seen him like that and so we went to his mum, we were so scared and she flew out to be with him. It was just after she left that he seriously started to lose weight,” Harry explained, his voice thick.

“Look, if Louis has started using drugs again then there's got to be reason for it. It sounds to me like the last time was caused by stress and unhappiness and considering what you boys went through recently, I wouldn't be surprised if Louis went back to old habits to make himself feel a little more normal. He needs support of he's going to get through it again but it sounds like you all care about him very much!” she insisted, patting his shoulder comfortingly before looking back to Louis who was still unconscious.

“John?” she called through to the front, “ETA?”

“10 minutes.”

“Okay, Harry, I'm going to radio through to the emergency department so that we can get you inside without too many peop-” but before she could finish Louis begun to throw up.

She went to his side just as he began to convulse violently, his body fitting out of his control. 

“What's happening to him?” Harry cried as Andrea placed her hands on either side of Louis head to stop him from harming himself too much and rolled him to his side so that his vomit didn't block his airways.

“Louis love? Louis can you hear me?” she said loudly but Louis continued to convulse, “Harry I need you to stay back, he's having a seizure but it should stop soon.”

“Why is he doing that? Louis?” Harry panicked, beginning to cry as he watched on.

“John, he's having a seizure how's that ETA looking?” Andrea called through, ignoring Harry’s constant questions.

“5 minutes, I’ll call ahead,” he replied.

Before Harry knew what was happening, his vomit became red and Harry almost passed out.

“He's bleeding! What's happening I him!” 

“Harry, harry it's alright love, he's bitten his tongue,” she soothed, stroking back Louis’ hair as his body shook frantically.

The five minutes that followed went by in a blur. Louis stopped fitting bur didn't regain consciousness before they arrived. Harry climbed out first, pulling down on his hat and burying his face in his scarf as he followed as Louis was pushed into the emergency department of the hospital. 

“24 year old male found passed out at his home, yet to regain consciousness. He begun to fit in the ambulance and was apparently assaulted a week ago,” Andrea told the medical staff as they followed Louis into a side room, “Dr Walker, a word please?” 

A tall Asian lady walked over to Andrea and they begun to speak in hushed voices for a few minutes before rejoining him.

“Hello Mr Styles, my name is Dr Walker, I'm the head of this department. I aim to keep your presence here as private as possible and I will ensure that my staff are aware that they are not permitted to disclose any of your private information to the public. I plan to have my senior staff working on your friends case to minimise your whereabouts being publicised,” she told him quickly before adding, “I'm going to try to take a look at Louis properly so if you wouldn't mind leaving us to it, I'll have one of the nurses show you to the staff room so that you can have some privacy.”

“Thank you,” Harry replied, unsure of what else to say as he watched Louis being lifted onto a bed before being stripped of his already ruined shirt. Harry could still see the almost black bruising across his chest.

“Mr Styles?” a young nurse said from behind him, “if you wouldn't mind following me. I'm nurse Saunders by the way but feel free to call me Emily, can I get you something to drink Mr Styles?"

"Call me Harry and a tea would be great thanks," he replied, taking a seat on the sofa, "you don't mind if I give Louis' friends and family a call do you?"

"Of course not, I'll give you some privacy. I'll pop back as soon as there's any news," she then handed Harry his steaming mug and left.

Harry grabbed his phone from his pocket and immediately called Jay.

“Harry, are you with him yet love? I've been trying to get hold of you,” she answered, obviously still driving as Harry was able to hear the motorway.

“I'm at St Thomas’ hospital. He'd passed out on the floor and he's not in a good way. He had a seizure in the ambulance and he looks so sick!” Harry told her, resting his head on one of his hands.

“Oh H, I'm nearly there okay, half an hour at most! Would you give Liam a call, he's on his way too,” she said and Harry could tell that she panicking despite trying to remain calm.

“I will, let me know when you're here,” Harry replied.

“Oh and Harry, please look after my baby,” Jay said quietly, her voice cracking slightly.

“I promise, I won't let anything happen to him,” he didn't know how he was going to do that but he was determined that Louis would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment, they really do make my day!


	5. I'm A Goner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis' seriously ill do despite previous events, the people that love him try their best to be there. Even if they get their heartbroken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to apologise for few things, the first is just generally this chapter because it's an emotional one! The second is for uploading this so late, I've just finished my mocks and I've been in hospital and so I've been so busy! 
> 
> Thanks you so much everyone for your comments and kudos, they make my day!   
> S x

Harry wasn't sure how long he'd been sat in the staff room but his tea had gone cold and it was going dark outside in the February sky. He was yet to hear any news on Louis but Jay had recently texted him to say that she was near and would be there in a few minutes. Harry sat staring at the wall as he waited, too anxious to do anything other than rethink the events of the last few weeks.

“Harry?” a familiar voice called and before he knew it, Jay was rushing toward him and encompassing him in a tight hug.

“Mum,” Harry whispered into her neck, clinging to her.

“Have they told you anything?” she asked as they pulled apart.

“No, not yet, they said they'd update me as soon as possible,” he said as they sat down together.

“Thank you for being there for him, I can't tell you how grateful I am.”

“It's nothing, I just hope to god that he's okay.”

…

Time passed in a comfortable yet anxious silence until a new doctor came to see them.

“I'm guessing you're Louis’ mother and you're Mr Styles?” she asked politely as they both stood up to speak to her.

“Yes, I'm Jay, is Louis going to be okay?” she asked urgently whilst Harry nodded.

“I'm doctor March, one of the senior registrars working on Louis’ case,” she introduced herself before taking a seat in front of them both, asking them both to sit.

“Do you know what's going on?” Harry asked as he felt Jay wrap a supportive arm around his waist.

“The wound to Louis’ back was severely infected and had become septic. You were very lucky that you found him when you did Harry as he went into respiratory failure about five minutes after arriving due to septic shock. We managed to stabilise him but we’ve taken him to intensive care for the time being. His organs, particularly his lungs, were beginning to shut down but we’ve put on a ventilator whilst the antibiotics take affect. He's going to be unconscious for a few days as he's not able to breathe on his own but in the meantime we’ve managed to tend to his other injuries. Although we’re unable to take him for a chest X-ray at the time being, I'm almost certain that he's broken some ribs which we have put him on some pain medication for. I've also had one of the nurses dress the burns to his hand from when he spilt the boiling water when he passed out, they're quite bad but   
should heal over time.” 

“How long was he unconscious for before I found him?” Harry asked quietly, taking everything in.

“I think it was at least several hours but we've no way of being sure.”

“Has he regained consciousness since?” came Jay’s next question.

“No as we ventilated and sedated him almost immediately.”

“Can we see him?” Jay asked, tightening her grip around Harry’s waist as she waited for the answer.

“He’s just being patched up right now but it should only take a few moments so I'll get nurse Saunders to take you to see him. Doctor Walker will speak to you then and explain Louis condition in more depths,” she said with a comforting smile before leaving them to it.

“You should phone the girls, let them know what's going on, I guess I need to phone Liam and Niall and Stan,” Harry suggested, taking his phone from his pocket.

“I think Lottie and Fizzy should be here but I don't fancy sending them on the train, how much do you think a cab would be from Doncaster?” Jay asked, scrolling through her phone to find the number of a taxi firm.

“I'll have a car sent, no need to worry about it, they should be here and there's no way you're spending hundreds on a cab,” Harry replied, texting Paul to sort the necessary arrangements.

“I'm so lucky my Lou has you,” she told him after a moment, her voice so sincere as she kissed him affectionately on the cheek.

“I just wish he'd let me in.”

“I know and he will, maybe not now but one day, I'm sure of it.”

Jay went off to phone her family whilst Harry rung Liam.

“Harry, you with Louis yet mate?” he answered, driving down the motorway.

“Yeah, we had to take him to hospital, he'd collapsed on the floor and he has a bad infection,” Harry explained, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Jesus, okay, I'm on my way, which hospital are you at?” 

“St Thomas’, let me know when you're here and someone will show you in.” 

“Okay, keep me updated and tell him that I'm coming,” Liam said, assuming that Louis had regained consciousness.

“Will do,” Harry lied, not wanting to stress Liam out whilst he's on the road, “I've got to go, I need to call Niall.”

“Don't tell Niall,” Liam blurted out before he could stop himself.

“What? Why not?” Harry asked confusedly.

“He'll blame himself,” Liam explained guiltily.

“Why? It's not his fault!” Harry urged, still unsure why Liam was reacting like this.

“Me and Niall went to see him and we fought and we left Louis. We knew he looked sick but he was so nasty that we just left and Niall got angry and said a few things…” he trailed   
off, knowing that Harry would kick off if he told him the whole story.

“I'm not even going to ask what happened but just know that if either of you are in anyway to blame for this then it's not me you need to be wary of, it's Jay. She'll have both your heads and you know it!” he told him before adding, “if your presence here is going to make him stressed then don't bother coming because there's no way that he's well enough for a row when he wakes!”

“Wait, has he not woken up?” Liam asked worriedly.

“He's in intensive care and he's on a ventilator because he went into septic shock and he can't breathe on his own. He's really really sick Liam!” 

“I had no idea-” he tried to say but Harry angrily cut him off.

“Well you wouldn't, would you! Now either get yourself together and be here for him when he wakes up or fuck off because you know what I don't even want to talk to you anymore!” Harry hissed before terminating the call.

“Harry? What's the matter love?” Jay asked, wrapping up the taller man in a motherly hug.

“It's fine,” he replied wiping away a few angry tears that had escaped.

Before Jay was able to press the matter further, the nurse from before came to show them to where Louis was.

“Before you go in I just need to remind you that Louis has a ventilator breathing for him which some family members find distressing, but Louis’ body is fighting a very serious infection and so we’re doing all we can to aid him. If you witness any movement or response then please alert us and please be wary of the medical equipment. Doctor Walker is on her way and she’ll just be a few minutes,” she informed them as they waited outside the entrance to the Intensive Care Unit.

“Okay, will Louis be able to hear us?” Jay asked, her face pale and tired from stress.

“Louis’ in an induced coma however it is very likely that what's going on around him will be picked up by his subconscious. Talk to him, sing to him, it will help,” she replied, using her pass to open the door. 

Harry followed Jay through the door, holding her hand tightly, more to reassure himself than her. Louis was laid out on his front, his body still and thin. The ventilator that was breathing for him beeped as his chest moved up and down and his steady heart rate was shown on a monitor that stood beside him. The back of his hospital gown was open and Harry would see a large dressing covering the wound to his shoulder as well as Louis’ prominent ribs and spine. 

“Oh Lou,” Jay breathed out, letting go of Harry’s hand to rush to his side, stroking his cheek and kissing his forehead. 

Unsure of how to react, Harry stood at the end of Louis’ hospital bed taking in his sickly form. In his life he'd never seen someone he loved so unwell. He'd seen Niall after his knee operation but he'd been laughing as his friends piled in, gifts in hand. He'd seen Gemma aged 9 after her Appendectomy but despite the minor post op complications, she'd just been happy to be able to take a month out of school. It's horrible seeing someone you love so sick but not one of the instances even closely compared to how he felt now. Louis’ hair was held out of his face by a head band and so Harry was able to see it clearly. There was a band attached to the ventilator tied to the back of his head which was tight around his cheekbones, accentuating how thin his face looked. His mouth was forced open by the large tube that went down his throat to help him breathe. The bruise around his eye had turned yellow and the swelling of the other less prominent than when he'd seen Louis on the plane. 

Harry was terrified. 

He was completely overwhelmed which was why he eventually ended up having to bolt from the room. He ran down the corridor, not hearing the calls of his friend behind him as he made his way into the bathroom. Luckily for him it was unoccupied as he fell to his knees in front of one of the stalls and emptied the contents of his stomach. The smell of cleaning chemicals and vomit begun to mix in the air and he knelt back and wiped his mouth with tissue. He pushed his hair from his face and begun to cry. As he sobbed into his hands he felt a comforting hand ran up his back, carefully lifting him up off the floor. He turned around quickly, finding himself in the arms of Nick Grimshaw.

“Nick?” Harry whispered, burying his head into the older man's shoulder, “why are you here?”

“Jay called me on her way here, said you'd need me and it sounds like you do. I spoke to your mum and she's on her way too,” Nick told him gently, hand stroking his long curly hair.

“I’m so scared! I don't want to lose him!” he sobbed, bunching Nick’s shirt up in his hands as he cried.

“Hey, listen to me! You do know who you're talking about right? Louis isn't going to let a stupid infection stop him from running the world now is he,” Nick told him, chuckling sadly as he pulled the boy from his arms and took his face in his hands.

“But Grim, he's in a coma, what if he doesn't get better?”

“Remind me to tell Tommo that you doubted his commitment to being a stubborn arsehole when he wakes up,” he smirked, winking at the the younger before wrapping a supportive arm around his waist and walking him back towards intensive care.

When they entered, they saw Jay sat at Louis’ side holding his lifeless hand whilst talking to Dr Walker.

“Harry, I was just going through Louis’ condition with Jay,” she said as they walked to Louis’ bedside.

“I'll be right outside, shout if you need me okay love,” Nick told him, giving the boy another squeeze before glancing one last time at Louis and leaving.

“Louis is incredibly sick right now and we currently have him on generalised antibiotics for the moment whilst we wait for his toxicology results to tell us what type of infection he has. His bloods have been fast tracked so we shouldn't be waiting too much longer but he does seem to be reacting to the drugs and his blood pressure has been increasing,” the doctor explained before continuing, “Louis’ lungs shut down which is why he had to go onto a ventilator but we’re hoping that his condition should improve over the next few days. There was reduced oxygen to the brain however it's unlikely that he will suffer from long term problems as we were able to treat him very quick thanks to Harry getting him here so quickly. I was wondering, has Louis been behaving oddly in any way?” 

“He had been very agitated and aggressive which was quite unlike him. I mean Louis’ always been quick tempered but not like that,” Harry told her, going back over their fight.

“Due to the sepsis, Louis would have been very confused and agitated which often leads to abnormal behaviours. Along with the shock of his attack, Louis’ brain would have been under a lot of stress causing him to react like that. It's unlikely that he’ll recollect any of this but we highly recommend due to his fragile state that you hold off on bringing it up. If he's going to make a full recovery the he needs to be kept as calm as possible.”

“Is he in pain?” Harry asked suddenly, looking at his friend lying pale on the bed.

“He's on a high dose of morphine and so he should be pain free,” she reassured.

“What about before he collapsed?” Jay questioned, not sure whether the answer was one she wanted answering.

“The symptoms of septic shock can be quite distressing for the patient and although he wouldn't have known exactly what was happening, he was probably aware that he was in a serious condition. But as for pain, the infected wound would have become numb by this point due to the nerve damage.”

“Thank you,” Jay said sincerely before turning back to her son, playing with his messy hair.

“You’re going to be okay Lou,” Harry told him softly, taking his hand in his own. 

…

It was the early morning of the next day when Harry woke up in the relatives room, his head on a sleeping Nick’s lap. He rolled over slightly so that his head was buried into his stomach, hiding his face away before sitting up slowly, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He looked over to the corner to where Liam and Niall were asleep on one another's shoulders, Niall’s suitcase sitting abandoned beside them. Both boys had one of Louis’ oldest sisters under their arms, also sleeping in the early morning peace. He got off the sofa and took the cold mug of coffee that was hazardously still in Niall's hands, placing it on the table before going to find Jay who was the only person not with them. 

“Harry,” he heard a familiar voice call from behind him as soon as he stepped out of the room. His own mother was stood with Jay and his older sister, talking quietly but they stopped abruptly when they saw him, Anne opening her arms to welcome her son into a hug, “are you okay love?” 

“Fine, how's Louis?” he asked, dismissing her sigh as he focused on the boy lying in intensive care, bringing his sister in for a warm hug.

“Not too good,” Jay answered, “Louis’ condition got pretty serious during the night. “

“They think that one of his broken ribs had punctured his heart and so they have to repair it in surgery later today but there are major risks and in his current condition, any complications would be fatal,” Anne explained sadly, holding the other woman supportively. 

“So what, he could die?” Harry blurted out, causing Jay to start crying again.

“Haz,” Gemma whispered scolding oh, nudging him slightly.

“Potentially yes but the doctors are doing their best to get Louis through it,” Anne sighed.

“Have they said how much of a risk?” Harry asked, scrunching his eyes up for a moment. 

“”He's got a um, 20% chance of getting through it without complications,” Gemma explained, seeing her brothers face fall.

“Jay, why are you letting them do this?” Harry asked in outrage.

“Because if they don't he'll die anyway,” she said simply.

Harry begun to cry again, wiping his tears away angrily.

“I haven't even told the girls yet,” Jay cried, touching Harry’s arm.

“Is there anything I could do?” Harry asked, forcing himself to stop crying.

“They didn't eat last night because it was so late by the time they got here, same with Liam and Niall and you I'm assuming so if you wouldn't mind going to the cafe and grabbing everyone some food.”

“I'm on it, mum, Gemma are you coming with me?” Harry said, wanting a few minutes with them alone.

“Of course,” and with that, they said their goodbyes to Jay and went down to the ground floor of the hospital. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes before Anne said “Jay told us you fought with Louis.”

“I don't really know what to say.”

“Was it worse than usual?” Gemma asked simply.

“Yes.”

“And did you apologise?” his mum chipped in.

“I didn't get the chance, he stormed off before I could,” Harry mumbled.

“Rubbish! I've known that boy as long as you have and I'm telling you right now, Louis would never let up until he got an apology!” Anne scoffed. 

“But mum, he's not the boy you knew, he's not the boy I knew either. He's different and cold and he takes drugs and he changed all the time so whenever I go to him I don't know which Louis I'm going to get.”

“You know how I feel about drugs Harry,” she said seriously.

“I know but-” she cut him off before he could defend Louis.

“You also know how I feel about Louis and we both know that if Louis’ going to stop then he's going to need you. I've seen the videos of him with the paps. I've seen the videos of him and Zayn and that's not the Louis that any of us knew. Be there for him, even if he doesn't want you to be,” Anne told him as they walked into the lift, wrapping her arms around him gently.

“Anyway, if Louis’ doing drugs it's not because he thinks he's cool, I can't imagine why he thinks it's a good idea but it's got to be more than for just a laugh,” Gemma told them, wrapping an arm around her little brother.

“Gem, what if he doesn't make it?” Harry croaked out, his mind going back to the bruised boy lying in intensive care.

“I don't know,” she said honestly, “but me and mum will be here for you, no matter what.”

They went down to the Starbucks by reception and picked up nine coffees and a selection of hot rolls and croissants for breakfast along with a load of cakes. In difficult times Harry, like his mum, had always used food to please everyone else and so he bought far too much as was quite normal. It was more than likely that no one would even eat but it gave him a distraction. Once they'd picked up their drinks, they went straight back up to the 4th floor where they found Niall, Liam and Nick waiting outside the relatives room.

“What's going on?” Harry whispered to Nick who had been talking to Niall.

“Jay’s talking to the girls so we gave her some privacy. I was wondering where you were when I woke up, you okay?” Nick said, wrapping a comforting arm around his waist.

“I'm fine, just went to get some stuff for everyone to eat, coffee?” he offered Nick and the other boys who took one silently.

“Nick, thank you for being here for Harry, it's nice to have people to rely on when I'm so far away,” she said kindly to the tall man, wrapping him in a motherly hug.

“It's my pleasure as always, I only wish that it wasn't under such awful circumstances! But I do hope to be seeing more of you now that these boys have a bit of a break,” he told her with a smile before hugging the other Styles sibling and chatting with her about random gossip.

“How are you doing boys?” Anne asked gently, hugging them both in turn.

“It's been a rubbish few weeks but we’re alright,” Liam answered, eying Harry cautiously who was finding particular interest in his shoes. 

Before the conversation could continue much further, the door to the relatives room swung open and Jay walked out, her two daughters holding her hands as they cried quietly.

"The doctors are going to be taking Louis in for surgery in about half an hour so they said to go spend a bit of time with him before then. I'm going to take the girls in now and you can go on after if that's okay,” she smiled weakly, pressing kisses to Lottie and Fizzy’s heads before leading them down the corridor. 

They each took their turn, going in and saying some sort of goodbye, despite telling one another over and over again that Louis was going to be fine. Harry watched as Louis was take into theatre, his heart sinking even further as an overwhelming feeling of loss suddenly hit him. It was when the doors banged closed that Harry knew Louis wasn't going to make it. He wouldn't dare tell the others but as he sat in the relatives room, his head resting on his mother's lap, her hands running mate through her hair, he waited for the doctor to come and tell him the news that Louis was gone. 

In some way it wouldn't really be news because Harry already knew that Louis was gone.

He'd been gone for a long time.

…

He had no idea what was happening to him at this point but what he did know was that he was cold. Cold and confused.

He began to thrash about on the floor, gasping desperately for breath, his lungs empty and failing. Louis tried to remember where he was but his mind was a jumbled mess and wasn't functioning properly as he tried to get himself up, grabbing at his own shirt in exasperation. Every movement he made changed the temperature of his body and he couldn't make out whether he was boiling or freezing but he was completely aware that the air was being choked from his lungs. 

When someone drowns, they experience inconceivable fear up until the point where they're bordering death when they reach oblivion. That's where Louis assumed he was as a wave of calm washed over his body, all panic vanishing. He could suddenly breathe freely, each intake of oxygen pulling his mouth into a smile as he felt himself slowly drifting away. He rolled his head back as he allowed himself to be lifted from the cold dark place where he'd been left and into brightness. He didn't know when he'd opened his eyes but as he stood in the blank serenity of oblivion, he watched as a crowd of people in white walked towards him.

“Lou?” the soft voice of his mother said as she stroked her hand across his cheek, smiling lovingly at him, “I love you so much sweetheart, everything's going to be okay, I promise.” 

There were tears falling down her cheeks and as soon as their eyes connected, she began to sob into his shoulder. Holding his mum close to him, he begun to cry too, feeling overwhelmingly terrified by what was happening. 

“Mum, it's okay, please don't cry,” Lottie said from his other side, her eyes puffy as she held his hand tightly, “I love you Lou, so much, don't be scared.”

“Mum, he doesn't look like my Louis,” a small voice came from next to his mum.

“I know Fiz, I know,” his mum struggled to comfort her.

“I love you Lou,” she said before bursting into tears again and hid her head in his chest. 

All Louis could do was run a comforting hand through her hair as she cried, wanting to tell her that he was fine but not knowing quite how to.

“We have to go now love but we’ll be with you again soon,” Jay assured him, kissing his cheek before walking away hand in hand with Lottie and Felicite, fading into nothingness. 

Louis looked around at his bare surroundings, spotting Liam and Niall say on white stools. Niall had his face buried in his hands and was crying uncontrollably whilst Liam kept a secure arm around his waist and allowed silent tears to roll down his cheek.

“Come in Ni, we have to do this,” Liam told him, coaxing him out of his seat and leading him towards Louis. 

As soon as they spotted him, their   
faces fell and Niall let out a broken cry. Louis walked towards them slowly, meeting them halfway and immediately felt two hands grabbing his own desperately but with an unfamiliar gentleness that he was yet to relate to his two best friends. 

“Louis, you're okay yeah, you're going to be okay!” Niall sniffled, squeezing his hands desperately, “you're my best mate and I love you so much and I'm so sorry because this is all my fault! You're here because of me and I'll never forgive myself for it!”

Where is here exactly? He had no idea but a part of him knew exactly where he was. Similar to the light, the obviousness of his location was blinding. But he couldn't be. He wasn't- no. There was no way! 

“I'm the one at fault here Lou, not Niall! I shouldn't have left you that night! You were in a vulnerable state and I let that happen to you and look where you are now!” Liam told him desperately,

“We love you so much mate,” Niall concluded, hugging him briefly before taking a step back.

“So much,” Liam added, repeating Niall’s actions before wrapping his arm around the younger lad and leading him into the distance. Louis tried to reach out and call after them but they never responded as they faded away.

Thinking that he was alone, Louis fell defeatedly to the floor, curling in on himself as he wept. His body shook as he waited, expecting death to encompass him almost immediately as he screwed up his eyes in fear. 

Louis had never been scared of death. At the age of 14 he'd for some reason come to terms with the fact that at some point in his life his heart was going to stop beating and he was never going to wake up. He quite readily accepted this and subsequently dismissed his fears of heights and ghosts and fire because what was the worst they could do to him? They could kill him, yes, but what was so bad about that? Because of this he managed to combat any phobia by taking away its fear factor. Death. Which is why Louis was able to convince himself for a large majority of his life that he wouldn't be scared when it was his time to die and that he'd just accept it with open arms.

Well.

That was all bullshit.

Because right now he's never been more terrified in his life and if his heart did actually still function then it would probably be beating so fast that it would be close to stopping anyway. Louis began to grab at his arms and hair, begging for nothingness to take him and put an end to what he was going through. Because if this was death then Louis was an idiot. A complete idiot for believing that he was better than fear.

“Louis? Oh Louis,” a familiar voice begun to sob and he suddenly felt arms gripping to him tightly, “I'm so sorry.”

Harry’s face suddenly came into view and he clung to him desperately as they lay on the floor. They both lay on their sides, legs intertwined, hands gripping the others arms as they looked at each other.

“I love you so much and I promise you, I promise you that I will tell you that properly one day! I've been such a coward Lou, such a pathetic coward and I deserved everything that I ever went through because I hurt you and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I will never ever hurt you again, I promise, I promise!” Harry dissolved into another fit of sobs and Louis allowed him to pull him even closer so that his face was hidden in Harry’s white silk shirt.

Louis snivelled into his hair, all fear leaving him as his boy held him in his arms. Finally. He'd waited so long to be with him again and now that he was finally able to feel him this close, he was going to be taken away from him just like the others. 

“I love you so much, so so much Lou!” Harry cried, pressing kiss after kiss to his head. 

“Harry?” came a voice from behind them and Louis clung to Harry tighter, not wanting to let him go now that he had him.

“Nick I don't want to let him go!” Harry sobbed and Louis knew that he was about to be dragged away from him.

“I know love, I know but you have to, you know you do,” Nick said softly, reaching out for Harry and gently pulling him into his arms and walking him away.

“No! Harry come back! Harry!” Louis screamed as they faded up, “Harry please, I love you!” 

At that, everything went blank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm genuinely sorry! Please comment :)


	6. Tear In My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want to understand the present. The key is always burried in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! 
> 
> This chapter is an incredibly emotional one and I'm going to admit, I did cry whilst writing this a bit! 
> 
> Thank you so much for all your lovely comments so far they mean the world!
> 
> I have a question for you lovelies, at the moment each chapter is between 4K and 5K and I'm trying to upload as regularly as possible. Would you prefer having shorter 3k word chapters more often on longer chapters at the rate you've been having them at the moment? 
> 
> Let me know in the comments and I'll let you know what I decide next week! 
> 
> S x

Walking into the room where Louis was laid out on the bed, Jay stopped, turning to both of her daughters for a moment.

“I know this is really difficult my loves, but you have to be brave. Louis loves you both very very much, okay,” she told them before opening the door.

She sat down at the head of his bed, taking his hand in hers and reaching out the other to stroke across his cheek, “Lou?” she whispered with a sad smile, “I love you so much sweetheart, everything's going to be okay, I promise.” 

Her voice broke as she reached the end of the sentence and before she knew it she was sobbing desperately into his cold pale hand.

“Mum, it's okay, please don't cry,” Lottie told her, seeing her younger sister's eyes wide as she took in all that was happening, “I love you Lou, so much, don't be scared.”

“Mum, he doesn't look like my Louis,” Felicite whispered, tracing a hand across his unmoving hand.

“I know Fiz, I know,” his mum struggled to comfort her.

“I love you Lou,” she said before bursting into tears again and burying her head into the sheets of the bed, wanting nothing more than to be in her brother's arms.

“We have to go now love but we’ll be with you again soon,” Jay said, more to herself than to him, kissing his cheek before leading her daughters out of the room.

Niall and Liam had only just entered the white hospital room when Niall stopped, suddenly unable to catch his breathe. Liam wrapped an arm around his waist securely and stood there for a few moments.

“Come in Ni, we have to do this,” Liam told him, coaxing him through the door of intensive care.

As soon as they spotted him, their   
faces fell and Niall let out a broken cry. They walked towards them slowly, and as soon of as they reached him, they grabbed his limp hands in their own.

“Louis, you're okay yeah, you're going to be okay!” Niall sniffled, squeezing his hands desperately, “you're my best mate and I love you so much and I'm so sorry because this is all my fault! You're here because of me and I'll never forgive myself for it!”

“I'm the one at fault here Lou, not Niall! I shouldn't have left you that night! You were in a vulnerable state and I let that happen to you and look where you are now!” Liam told him guiltily.

“We love you so much mate,” Niall concluded, hugging him gently before walking to the end of his bed..

“So much,” Liam added, repeating Niall’s actions before wrapping his arm around the younger lad and leading him away. 

It took Harry several minutes to actually force himself into the room, standing outside with Nick, head in his hands. Once Nick forced him through the door, Harry rushed to Louis’ side and placed his hands on his arm, closing his eyes before speaking.

“Louis? Oh Louis, I'm so sorry.”

Harry got as close to Louis as possible whilst he spoke, holding onto him in every way possible, scared that once he let go, Louis would suddenly float away from him.

“I love you so much and I promise you, I promise you that I will tell you that properly one day! I've been such a coward Lou, such a pathetic coward and I deserved everything that I ever went through because I hurt you and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I will never ever hurt you again, I promise, I promise!” Harry dissolved into   
another fit of sobs and dropped his head into the pillow, snivelling into Louis’ hair. “I love you so much, so so much Lou!” Harry cried, pressing kiss after kiss to his head. 

“Harry?” came Nick’s voice from behind him.

“Nick I don't want to let him go!” Harry sobbed as Nick walked over to him.

“I know love, I know but you have to, you know you do,” Nick said softly, reaching out for him and gently pulling him into his arms and walking him away.

Harry sobbed into Nick’s chest as they waited for the doctors to take Louis into theatre, following them as far as they could before Nick was forced to take the younger boy back to the relatives room. By the time they got there, both Stan and Oli had turned up, both looking incredibly worried.

“Harry mate, how are you?” Stan asked, pulling him into a hug.

“I've been better if I'm honest but it is what it is,” Harry mumbled, ignoring the other man who stood beside him, a nasty grimace on his face.

Harry took a seat beside his mother, feeling frustrated by the amount of people in the room. He looked around, finding a reason why every single one of them didn't deserve to be there. 

“Look, I'm not being rude but-” Harry started, turning towards Louis’ friends.

“Harry!” Gemma warned but he ignored her, continuing. 

“There are too many people here and there are certain people in this room who have no right to be here!” Harry gritted out, eyeing up Oli and Niall.

“Excuse me?” Oli piped up, squaring up to Harry.

“Who do you think you are, coming in here pretending that you're his mate when you're the reason he's in here in the first place!” 

“Harry what are you talking about?” Jay asked, her eyes widening in confusion.

“He got Louis hooked on drugs, encouraged him to start drinking and sticking harmful shit in his body! That’s why Louis was attacked wasn't it, because he got himself in trouble with a dealer!” Harry accused angrily.

“He did what!” Lottie shouted before starting to have a go at Oli, “who do you think you are? How dare you come here and pretend to be his friend when you're the reason he's in there!”

“Harry we don't know that!” Liam butted in, trying to calm him.

“And you can get out as well, why would Louis want you here after what you did to him! You too Niall!” 

“Harry just stop it, what’s gotten into you mate?” Stan asked him, stepping in between him and Oli to avoid the fight that was about to start. 

“Every single one of them has fucked him over!” he growled, clenching his fists.

“And what do you think you've done Harry, hm? Why do you think Louis got out of hand in the first place?” Oli asked him furiously.

“Because you forced him into things he never wanted to do!” Harry yelled.

“And you didn't? Shoving your sexuality down his throat like some desperate pathetic child! Louis isn't queer, he never was, you just tried to impose your disgusting ways on him!”

“Oy, don't you fucking dare! Get the hell away from my brother,” came Gemma’s shouted as she pushed her way into the argument, joining Lottie in making unheard shouts..

“Why don't you just go Oli!” Harry shouted, getting up in his face.

“I'm not going anywhere you pathetic princess,” (a small ‘oi’ came from Anne who was now standing with her daughter but anything else she had to say was left unheard) “Louis never wanted you here!”

“Says the man who has spent the last year trying to ruin his life!” Harry growled, desperately resisting the urge to punch him.

“The only reason Louis’ fucked up is because of you!” Oli told him angrily, poking a finger into his chest.

“You have no right to say that to him!” Nick shouted, pushing the northern bloke back from his friend.

“Louis is not fucked up!” Niall defended his friend.

“What's your problem you gay prick!” Oli bit back at Nick, trying to get into his face.

“Stop it! All of you stop it!” Jay yelled at the top of her lungs, causing them all to step back, glaring at one another, “Oli, apologise to Nick!”

“Sorry,” he grumbled, glaring threateningly at the radio DJ.

“Now get the fuck out and stay away from my son,” she told them sternly, before adding “I knew you were bad for him when he started spending time with you again and I was right!”

“This is fucking bullshit!” the northern boy snarled before he grabbed his bag and stormed out of the relatives room, glaring at both Harry and Nick before slamming the door.

“Now Harry, apologise to Liam and Niall.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry mumbled, hanging his head in embarrassment. 

“Louis is in there fighting for his life and you lot are out here bickering like pathetic children! I will not have it, I will not! My son is lying on than operating table with a tear in his heart and if any of you really loved him you'd shut the hell up and start praying that a fucking miracle happens!” Jay half screamed at them, before kicking the table that sat in the centre of the room and walking angrily out of the room.

“Sit down, all of you, I'm going to find Jay,” Anne told them before rushing after the other woman.

“Haz, what's going on mate?” Liam asked the younger boy who sat beside him, head in his hands.

“It's complicated, I don't want to talk about it,” he whispered, not lifting his head up.

“Girls?” Stan said suddenly to Lottie and Fizzy who were both sat with their heads buried in his chest, “it's going to be a long wait so why don't we go outside and give your dad a call, maybe get some food too.” 

He lead the girls away, turning back to wink at Liam who smiled gratefully at him before kneeling in front of Harry, placing his hands in his knees to get his attention. Gemma and Nick sat either side of him, wrapping their arms around him supportively whilst Niall hovered awkwardly behind Liam.

“H? Talk to us babes,” Nick whispered into his ear which encouraged him to lift his head from his hands and look at them, his cheeks red and tear stained.

“I know it's been a long time and Louis hates me so much now but I think I still love him,” he croaked, resting his head on his sisters shoulder.

“You think?” Gemma replied with a knowing smile.

“No. I know. I love him.” 

“But Harry, you never even talk to one another! How can you say that you love him if you can't even be in a room with the man for more than five minutes without arguing with him,” Liam said softly, trying to work out Harry’s thoughts.

“I just. I don't want to be away from him! Even when he's screaming at me, I don't want him to stop because it's the most I get out of him,” Harry told them, looking to Nick, expecting some sort of support.

“Harry love, I understand what you're saying but it's not healthy. You know that all of us will be behind you whatever you decide to do but right now, I can't see a way that this will end well,” he told him seriously.

“I think that with the way Louis is right now, he's not going to be able to cope with this. He's lost Zayn and Eleanor and we still don't even know what happened to him! When Louis leaves this hospital he's going to be fragile and he's going to need his friends more than anything,” Niall chipped in, placing his hand on Liam’s shoulder.

“I just want him to be okay,” Harry croaked, wiping at his eyes.

“Then be his friend because it doesn't matter how much he's changed, none of us know Louis like you do,” Liam assured him.

“Alright,” Harry sniffed, smiling softly at them all.

Harry watched as Niall and Liam took their seats, both smiling at the other softly. 

“Haz?” Niall asked out if nowhere, “you don't have to tell us but what actually happened with you and Louis?”

“I thought Louis would have told you,” Harry replied in surprise.

“He would never talk about it, every time Zayn would try to bring it up he would never reply,” Liam explained.

“Do none of you know?” Harry asked, turning to his sister and friends.

They all shook their heads, waiting for him to answer.

… 

It was 21st December 2013 and they were at home together for the first time in months. Louis had spent the majority of the day trying to sort out things with the owner of Doncaster Rovers and had gotten to the point where he was so exhausted that he was nearing a breakdown. However right now, he and Harry were lying comfortably on their sofa half watching a film, their dinner plates abandoned on the coffee table and Louis’ head on Harry’s chest. 

“Harry, do you ever wonder if it’ll get to a point where management can't push us any further?” Louis mumbled shyly into his boyfriend's chest.

“What do you mean Lou?” Harry replied, his voice deep and calm as he stroked Louis’ hair.

“We both know that management want us to split up, they're trying to push us to our limits. Do you think it's going to ever get to a point where we'll break?” he pondered, enjoying the soothing patterns that Harry drew on his scalp.

“I think that it doesn't matter what they do, as long as we trust that neither of us are going anywhere. I promise you Louis, I'm always going to be right here, you're the compass to my ship,” Harry told him, waiting for Louis to reply with his usual ‘and you're the anchor to my rope.’ When he didn't, Harry called his name, whispering “Lou.”

Louis again ignored him, burying his head further into Harry, his grip around his waist tightening to a point where Harry was becoming worried. He sat up carefully, moving so that Louis was cross legged opposite him, head held in Harry’s hands. As soon as Harry saw Louis’ face, Louis let out a pained whimper and a fresh set of tears poured down his cheeks.

“Baby?” he asked, a lump rising in his throat as his eyes met Louis’ tearful ones.

“I don't think I can do this anymore Harry, it's breaking me,” he told him honestly, causing Harry to start crying too.

“Do what, baby? What's the matter?” Harry questioned gently.

“Us, I don't think I can keep being with you because it hurts so much when we’re ripped apart!” 

“It's okay, just calm down, we can talk about this,” Harry attempted to sooth.

“No Harry, it's not that easy,” Louis told him sadly.

“Yes it is, I love you so much Louis,” Harry replied, eyes burning with tears.

“I love you too but that's not enough Harry, it's not enough for us anymore,”

“Well I'm not going to just let you go!” Harry tried to explain to him but Louis just shook his head.

“Whether it's today or six months down the line, you're going to have to let me go at some point because we’ve got to face the fact that we’re not going to win this.”

“You expect me to give you up!” Harry choked, “you expect me to give up the best thing in my life for our careers!”

“I expect you to give me up so that we’re not hurting anymore,” Louis reasoned, his stomach lurching at the thought of Harry not being his anymore.

“You're worth a bit of heartache Louis!”

“It's not going to just get better for us babe, I know we both want it but it doesn't matter how long we keep putting ourselves through this, it's never going to go away.”

“Lou, we can get through it if we’re together, I promise! I can't be without you,” he cried, reaching out and holding Louis’ shaking hands.

“I can't keep going through everyday wanting everything that we can't have and aren't going to be able to have! Harry, I can't keep sitting at home whilst you're forced to go out with stupid girls and kiss them and be with them! I can't keep pretending to be in love with Eleanor when I don't want to do it anymore,” Louis tried to tell him, gripping desperately to his hand. 

“But we've always got through this together, I thought that this was what you wanted, that this was all worth it,” Harry choked, his bottom lip wobbling.

“It was- is worth it, but Harry it's too much. When I went to see my mum during the break in August she took me to see a doctor and they said that I was depressed and that the stress of tour was too much for me. They wanted me to stop touring, but I knew I couldn't so they gave me some pills,” Louis confessed like it was the worst thing in the world, shame clouding him.

“What do you mean you're depressed? Louis why didn't you tell me!” Harry said as he started to cry harder.

“Because you didn't need the stress and I needed to try to cope alone. Prepare myself,” he said, wiping away a fresh of tears.

“Prepare yourself? Prepare yourself for what exactly?” Harry asked even though he was pretty certain on the answer.

“This,” Louis whispered, their eyes still locked as they spoke.

“What?” Harry asked, suddenly struggling to breathe.

“I have to leave you. I knew then that they're only going to hurt us more if we’re together and I can't cope anymore!” Louis tried to tell him but Harry climbed off the sofa and turned away from Louis before beginning to sob violently.

Louis had taken nearly five months to go through with it. He'd told his mum a week after he'd started on the antidepressants and after hours of talking she understood that it was the best thing for both of them no matter how much it hurt. The reason why it destroyed Louis so much was that in all honesty, there was nothing wrong with their relationship. They loved each other desperately, so much so that at that point they couldn't ever imagine spending the rest of their lives with anyone else. Despite a rough patch midway through that year, they barely argued and those arguments may have been heated but they dissolved quickly. They had plenty of sex and were very satisfied in that department. So in terms of them, their relationship was perfect. It was just that to have all of that happiness, they had to put themselves through a horrific amount of pain and it had finally gotten too much.

“Do you not love me?” Harry asked, still not looking at him.

“Of course I love you,” he said desperately, walking towards him. He went round to Harry’s front and wrapped his arms around him before kissing his cheek.

“If you love me, why are you doing this to me?” he cried into Louis’ hair.

“I'm doing this because I love you. Because we’re both hurting and it's the only way I can make it stop,” Louis tried to say, dissolving into sobs by the end of the sentence.

And in truth that was all that Louis wanted. He wanted the hurt to be over for the both of them, to make the badness go away. But to do that he would have to put them through something that although he didn't know now, would destroy them both almost beyond repair.

“I love you so much I don't ever want to be without you! Louis please don't leave me!” 

“I'm not leaving you, you’ll still see me, I'm just doing what's right by both of us, even if we don't think it is!” 

“Please don't do this, please Lou!”

“I'm setting us both free, love,” Louis whispered through his tears.

Harry pulled away slightly before pulling Louis into a desperate kiss, their lips moulding together as they gripped to each other.

“This isn't a good idea love,” Louis told him softly, pulling away for a moment to stroke Harry’s cheek.

“Please, just one more night, please, just let me make love to you one last time” Harry begged at which Louis answered by kissing him again, this time slower.

They took things slow that night, each kiss filled with ‘I love you’s’ that they knew come tomorrow, they would never be able to say again. Harry was gentle with Louis when he carried him to their bed, crying as he made love to him for the last time. He held Louis close as he slept, whispering loving words into his ear. 

When morning came around, neither wanted to get out of bed and let go of the last three years but eventually, Louis forced himself to get up. He told Harry that he was going to stay with his mum which was where he then spent the next month, barely getting out of bed, despite the passing of Christmas and his Birthday. It hit him hard and so when it the time came for him to go back to work, seeing the boys was more difficult than he'd anticipated.

Similarly, Harry chose to go to his mums, but rather than allowing himself to grieve their relationship, he distracted himself with his friends. Harry would call Louis every Wednesday evening to see how he was doing, their distance feeling unnatural and so they would talk about things, keeping each conversation light. Harry knew that Louis was lying when he talked about taking the girls to the park or cooking dinner for everyone, his mum having told him that Louis hadn't left the house or really done anything since he'd got there and so it stung slightly to hear Louis being dishonest to him but he understood. Louis had never been open about his feelings and so if Harry was to go back to being his friend like the others were, he'd have to take a step back.

For both of them it was like relearning how to live your life. When Harry was back in the flat he had to try and cook for one which was something he wasn't at all used to. He had to find a way to sleep without having a smaller boy lying on his chest. He had to learn to do every part of his life without Louis. Louis on the other hand had to learn to make sure he was taking care of himself as Harry had always been there to make sure he ate three meals a day and got enough sleep. He had to find a way to keep warm during the night without Harry’s body acting as a radiator. He had to find a way to cope without having his boyfriend there to support him.

They also had to relearn how to be with one another. That was the hardest part. Not touching or kissing or holding.

They did manage to get through it though and by the time they got back to work both were coping reasonably well considering. It did take time but as far as the other was concerned, they were getting through.

…

“And so that's how we split up,” Harry finished tearfully, wiping away the damp from his face.

“Oh Haz,” Gemma said kissing his cheek.

“I'm so sorry Harry, we had absolutely no idea how bad things were with Modest,” Liam said handing him a packet of tissues.

“Why didn't you tell us before mate?” Niall asked.

“If I talked about it then I'd have to accept that it's real and I don't think I have, even now.”

“One thing I don't understand,” Nick asked, “you and Louis were on pretty good terms when you split up, what changed?”

“That was my fault…”

…

It was mid May when it happened, pent up sexual tension and frustration had lead to Louis desperately pining Harry against a wall and begging him to have sex with him.

They'd just got back to their hotel from the stadium they'd been performing at that evening and Louis had lead Harry into his room before anyone saw them. He knew what he wanted the moment that he saw Harry in his sheer shirt on that stage and now, now he was going to get it. 

As soon as they'd walked through the door, Louis had closed it behind them and pressed his lips against Harry’s. He slowly backed Harry against the hotel room door and snogged him passionately, delighted when he felt Harry’s tongue slip into his mouth.

“Harry please just fuck me!” he'd whimpered as they kissed, pulling the others clothes off in an attempt to get to it quickly.

“I've needed you for so long! So long!” Harry had replied, dragging him to the bed.

“I need it so bad!” Louis whined, grinding up toward Harry's crotch as he straddled him on the bed.

“Well then who am I to deny my prince of his needs!”

That had been the last time they'd ever had sex and at some point had gone from being desperate and quick to slow and romantic, memories of their previous relationship flooding back. Technically that wasn't the last time they'd had sex as they'd done it twice more that night, once when they woke and then again in the shower because they'd become sex starved teenagers over the last few months, however it had been the last time Harry had held him like that. 

It was the following evening when Harry had gone in for a kiss that things had come crashing down. Louis pushed him away in confusion, getting up from the sofa.

“What are you doing Harry?” Louis asked in confusion as they sat watching Friends alone in Louis’ hotel room.

“Kissing you? I thought that was quite obvious,” Harry replied dumbly, standing up as well.

“But why? Last night was just a one off!” 

“Not exactly a one off!” Harry bit back.

“I was horny and I hadn't had sex in nearly six months! What's the matter with you Harry, I thought that was all you saw it as!” Louis said, his tone rude and slightly angry.

“I wouldn't have slept with you of it was just about sex Louis! If I just wanted sex then I would have gone to a bar and gotten myself laid like I've been doing for the last six months! I thought you wanted us to get back together!” 

“You've fucked other people?” Louis asked in shock, taking a step back from him.

“Of course I have, have you not?” Harry asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“No! Of course I haven't slept with anyone else, I couldn't do that!” Louis spat. 

“I thought you would-” Harry tried to defend but Harry cut him off.

“When was the first time Harry?” He asked, through gritted teeth, his anger about to overflow.

“Does it really matter?” Harry mumbled, staring pathetically at the ground.

“Answer the fucking question Harry! When. Was. The. First. Time?!” he managed to growl out, hands shaking in anger.

“New Years,” by the time Harry had said it, a sharp pain hit his face and Louis was on him, hitting him, slapping him, trying to get him back for everything.

“TEN DAYS AFTER WE SPLIT UP HARRY! TEN DAYS!” he screamed as he climbed on top of Harry on the sofa, still hitting him, “YOU PATHETIC MAN!”

Before he could contain it, something snapped inside Harry, “YOU LEFT ME!” he roared, pushing Louis off of him, grabbing his jaw and shouting in his face, “I LOVED YOU AND YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME AND NOW I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OR WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME!”

Louis threw Harry’s hands off him before storming out, slamming the door behind him.

After that they didn't speak.

….

“Jesus Harry!” Liam breathed. 

“I knew things were fucked up but I didn't know it was that bad!” Niall told him, staring not up at the ceiling.

“That's when all the drugs stuff got bad wasn't it,” Liam said, his head trying to make sense of everything that was happening.

“He'd always done weed, even when we met him, he just used it as an escape and I guess I was okay with it. I knew that he was lying to me towards the end of our relationship, when things were bad,” Harry admitted, “it was when we had to completely stop acting like ourselves in front of you guys as well that things got too much for him. I guess that's where it started and just got worse from there.”

“We let him down,” Niall told them seriously, hanging his head.

“Niall's right, we let him down and now we have to make it up to him!”

Before Harry was able to saying anything, the door swung open and Jay came running in.

“Louis’ okay, he’s okay, he made it! My baby made it!” she half screamed, jumping into Harry’s open arms before they both cried into the others shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know how you feel about my question above! Chapters of the same length at this rate or more often shorter (3k words) chapters? X


	7. Glowing Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please go have a read of the previous 'chapter' if you haven't already

It was five days later when they'd begun reducing the drugs that were keeping Louis unconscious. Liam had had to travel back up North to work on the new album after Modest had kicked off about the delay despite Louis’ condition. Niall and Harry had both been given a week to spend with their family before having to start writing and so Niall was sent packing back to Ireland to enjoy what was left of his break. Harry however had barely left the hospital, he'd sent both his mum and Gemma home they day of Louis’ surgery and he, along with Jay, had been spending the night at Nick’s as it was closer to the hospital than his own house. Lottie and Fizzy had been forced back home too as soon as Louis was deemed stable as they were both in important years of school. That left Harry and Jay to be at Louis’ bedside, morning till night, talking to him, singing to him, praying for him. 

As soon as Jay had let them know that Louis was okay, Harry had gone to the chapel in the hospital. He'd fallen to his knees, the crucifix that usually hung around his neck held tightly in his hands whilst he thanked the Lord. He had gone their every day since, lighting a candle for Louis, giving a prayer for his health and recovery. He knew that Louis would have mocked him lovingly for putting his faith in God rather than medical professionals but it kept Harry going. Although Louis had never understood Harry’s faith, he'd always supported him because it was important to Harry. He would sit through the Sunday service when they were at home, ignoring most of the Priest's words in favour of watching Harry’s face. It meant a lot to him and that was more important to Louis than a lie in. 

It was 10am and Harry had been sat in the chapel for about half an hour, contemplating more than praying when Jay had come through the wooden door and sat down next to him. It was the first time that she'd joined him and so he was pleasantly surprised when the woman took the hand that was sitting in his lap and squeezed it with a smile. 

“I can understand why you come here,” she said in a soft voice.

“It helps me to sort things in my head,” he replied, receiving an understanding nod in reply, “would you like to light a candle for Louis?”

“Please,” she said, allowing him to lead her over to the stand where the candles flickered with life.

They each lit one, before putting it in the stand with all the others, burning with hope. They waited for a few minutes in a contemplative silence before leaving.

“I want to talk to you about something,” Jay said to him as they walked down the corridor.

“Of course, what is it?” Harry asked lightly despite sensing that whatever was on Jay’s mind was quite serious.

Everything had been serious for the last few days.

“Harry, I can't tell you how important it is to me that you're here. I know that you took a step back when Louis broke down last time and I want you to know that that's okay. Louis had to get through that and you being there would have made things too confusing for him so it was for the best,” Jay explained, leading him into the empty waiting room.

“Before you say anything else, I need to tell you that I didn't keep my distance because it was the right thing for him. Please don't think that I'm the good guy in all this because I'm not. I made bad decisions. I kept my distance because I was scared and a coward and it's one of the worst things I've ever done,” Harry told her guiltily, his tone deep and self loathing.

“Harry, the last thing you are is a coward!” she told him, looking at him like he was insane. “You know, when Louis told me he was going to split up with you, I begged him not to. You were the first thing that made him properly happy and so watching him sob on my sofa at just the thought of not being with you anymore was the most painful thing I’ve ever witnessed. I think that after things got worse between the two of you, you managed to convince yourself that you split up because you didn't love each other anymore. I know that Louis thinks that it happened because he wasn't good enough for you. But Louis did everything Louis did was because he loved you more than anything in the world and he couldn't bare the thought of you hurting any longer,” Jay told him sadly, the memories of her devastated son making a lump rise in her throat. 

“Losing him was the worst thing that ever happened to me!” Harry replied, coughing in an attempt to hide the crack of his voice.

“I know love,” she nodded, “right now, Louis is in a bad way. I don't just mean in terms of the last few days either. He's in a very bad place and part of me wants to make him come home and quit the tour but I know that would hurt him more than anything.”

“Probably yeah,” Harry agreed, the thought of Louis going back to his old life was almost laughable. Almost.

“Once he’s better, I want him to go back on tour as soon as he's ready, but I'm scared. I need you to promise me something Harry because I don't think he'll get through this without you.”

“Anything,” Harry said without a second thought.

“You're the only person who's ever understood Louis properly. Zayn may have been his best friend but he never even got close to learning who he was. I need you to promise me that you'll be there for him,” Jay said, almost feeling like she was clutching at straws.

“I'm not going to leave his side,” Harry confirmed.

“You know that I love you very much, you're a part of our family and I will always be there for you. However I love my son more than anything and I can't let him get hurt anymore,” Jay told him, her voice thick with emotion as she tried to blink away the tears.

“I never want to hurt him and I will do everything I can to protect him.”

“I know that you love him very much but please, if you're not going to be able to see this through then please just leave before he wakes up. The doctors said it's unlikely that Louis will remember much from after the attack so he won't know that you were even involved.”

Harry sat back in his seat, taking everything in. He loved Louis. It didn't matter to him anymore if Louis loved him back because he knew that he could cope without it. What he couldn't cope with was Louis being hurt or alone. At some point along the line Harry had realised that he'd do anything for Louis. It was why he sat back and took his shit day in day out because he knew that it helped Louis vent his anger. It was why he was willing to sacrifice his own heart right now to be there for the man he loved. To be his friend.

“There's not anything I wouldn't do for your son,” Harry said after a while.

“I don't doubt that,” she replied, kissing him softly on the cheek.

They sat in the relatives for a while longer, taking in everything that was going to happen once Louis woke up. It wasn't going to be easy, they knew that much and after being in a coma for a week they had no idea what was about to happen.

“Jay, Harry?” the voice of Dr Walker came as she entered the relatives room with a smile on her face, “I have some good news for you both. We’ve been monitoring Louis since starting to take him out of the medically induced coma and he is starting to show signs of waking up. I just observed him moving his hand and then his foot and so we’re hoping that this means that there is little to no effect on the brain.”

“Oh my god!” Jay breathed with relief, head hand covering the grin the filled her face.

“When will he wake up?” Harry asked, unable to contain his joy.

“We can't be certain but it shouldn't be too long. You can go sit with him whilst he wakes but we do need I remove his ventilator as soon as he does though,” she explained and they followed her through to the intensive care unit.

When Harry walked through the door, he was hit by the same sinking feeling in his stomach like he did every time he saw Louis. It had been days but he couldn't get used to seeing him like that, pale and thin. There was still a tube coming from his mouth that helped him to breathe and the tubes in his arms that fed him and gave him the antibiotics continued to make him better. It was surreal. Louis looked desperately vulnerable and Harry’s overwhelming need to protect him hadn't failed to present itself whenever he entered the room. He took a seat beside the head of Louis’ bed, pressing a kiss to his cheek like he always had.

“Morning Lou, sounds like you're going to wake up soon! You're so strong and you're doing so well! I spoke to Liam this morning, told me to give you a kiss from him, same with Nick but I'm not sure if you'll appreciate that one,” he laughed, forcing himself to be positive like always.

The day after Louis’ surgery the doctors had told them that speaking to Louis would help him a lot and so both Harry and Jay had ended up having one sided conversations with him for hours on end. Harry would update him on the football and talk about silly things and sing to him. Harry had sung to him so much that he'd basically written a whole song. 

Harry sat back and listened as Jay talked to him, telling him about his family and how they were. It was such a special moment but he didn't feel for one second like it wasn't one that involved him as she told her oldest son about how she, Harry and Nick had gotten a Chinese takeaway last night which he would've loved. 

As Jay spoke, Harry begun to stare dazedly at Louis’ face which was when he saw it. Louis’ eyes moving, his eyelids almost opening.

“Lou? Can you hear us love? Open your eyes babe, come on, you can do it, just open your eyes,” Harry coaxed excitedly, taking the man's hand in his.

Louis’ eyes flicked open, shutting almost immediately when they registered the bright light. For the first time in weeks, Harry was finally able to see his glowing eyes. Soft groans came from his mouth, muffled by the tube that was breathing for him. Jay jumped up to get the doctor who had just left the room.

“Lou, it's Harry, you're okay! Just calm down, everything's alright,” Harry reassured him, stroking his thumb across the back of his hand.

It wasn't long before Jay returned with the Dr Walker and Harry was turning away as the tube was removed from Louis’ throat, immediately being replaced by breathing tubes inserted into his nose. Louis coughed violently, his frail body shaking as he couldn't even lift his arm to cover his mouth. He let out several confused murmurs, moving his head about in confusion.

Whilst the doctor was seeing to Louis, Harry had let go of Louis’ hand to get out of the way. As he watched Louis, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that the now empty hand was trying to grab at something, the movements small but obvious as Louis’ fingers searched for him. He slipped his hand back into Louis’, letting out a small gasp as Louis’ face changed it an exhausted open mouthed grin.

“Harry,” he murmured, his throat raw from the tube that had been keeping his lungs active for the past few days, “thank you.”

Harry brought Louis’ hand to his mouth, kissing it gently, heart speeding up at Louis’ weak hands squeezed his own before he fell back to sleep. Wheezy sounds came out of Louis’ mouth as he slept, breathing on his own for the first time since being admitted. 

“It looks like there is little damage to his memory which is good,” the nurse that was lifting Louis’ head to place a pillow under it told them.

“Louis can't remember what happened before he got here though, he wouldn't be thanking me if he did,” Harry said sadly, eyes not once leaving the sleeping boy.

“He probably won't but that's quite common so don't worry about it,” she said, checking the dressing on Louis’ chest, “I need to check the heeling of Louis’ scar and put on a new dressing so you can go get a coffee or make some calls if you like.”

“Ok thank you, let us know once you're done,” Jay said, speaking for the first time since Louis had awoken.

Walking out into the corridor, Harry pulled out his phone, seeing a ridiculous number of missed calls from Liam, Niall and management. Just as he was about to call Niall, his phone began to ring again.

“Hello?” he answered, stepping into the relatives room.

“Mr Styles we have been trying to get hold of both you and Mrs Deakin for hours now!” came the angry voice if the band’s publicist.

“Oh, sorry, we were-” but he was cut off.

“I don't care what you were doing, although I need your cooperation. The press are running with all sorts of stories despite the statement we released and so we've planned to hold a press conference in about an hour with yourself, Mrs Deakin and the other band members,” she explained, her tone rude and commanding.

“But we need to be with Louis!” Harry tried to argue.

“Mr Styles, if you cared about your band mate   
then you would do everything in your power to avoid further problems being caused for him in the press!” she scolded.

“Okay fine, when are we needed?” Harry asked resignedly.

“A car will be there to pick you both up in half an hour, be ready,” she said before hanging up.

“What was that about, love?” Jay asked, sitting beside him.

“They're holding a press conference and we’re both expected to be there and there's nothing I can do to get out of it,” Harry explained, running one of his large hands through his messy hair.

“Well it is what it is I guess,” she replied, sounding almost as if she'd given up on fighting it.

“We should let the doctors know we’re going to be gone,” Harry suggested, too tired to get into a conversation about his pure hatred for their management at the present time.

…

They were walking through reception, two security guards to their sides as Harry kept reassuring arm around Jay’s waist. As they reached the sliding doors of reception they could immediately see the flashes of cameras from the paparazzi that been waiting outside the hospital for days. Fans were kept away from the main entrance by barriers and police officers and neither of them could understand how they had been lucky enough not to be disturbed by people lying their way inside.

“Are you ready?” Harry whispered to Jay.

“I guess I have to be,” she replied and they walked through the doors.

“How’s Louis?”

“Is it true his drug habits have got out of control?”

“Is it true Louis’ in a coma?”

“Why have the other band members not stayed in the hospital with you?”

“Is there a disagreement within the band?”

As instructed they both ignored the questions and cameras, climbing into a van with blacked out windows that took them to wherever the press conference was to be held.

…

They had to rush into the building as they were running late, unable to properly greet Niall and Liam who had arrived earlier as they were both pushed into make up.

Harry had given an irritated look to Lou who left his face and chose to brush out the mess that had become his hair and put it in a bun at the back of his head. Similarly, Jay refused to allow them to put any product on her face but was grateful for them tidying her up a bit. They were all dressed reasonably causally despite the importance of what they were about to do.

Before they were even able to have a drink, the four of them were whisked away to speak to their publicist.

“Right, let me speak, questions at the end. You each have a role and it's important that you stick to those. Liam you need to dismiss any rumours about Louis’ injuries being caused by a member of the band and reassure the public that Louis’ injuries were not serious. Niall, you need to answer any questions about the band splitting up and be positive about the band's future. Harry, as you have been at the hospital most, I would like you to discuss Louis’ condition. Yes he is currently in a coma, he was in a bad way but he's recovering. I expect you know what you are and are not permitted to say. Also, we have chosen to stay as close to the truth with this as possible and explain that he is there due to a serious infection that affected his heart. And Mrs Tomlinson-”

“Deakin.”

“Fine, Deakin, you need to combat any allegations of Louis’ drug use. Everyone clear? Good yes, let's go!” their publicist commanded.

“Wait, Louis has come out of the coma by the way,” Harry explained.

“Has he!” Niall asked, almost excitedly.

“Fabulous, now let's go!” and with that they were pushed in the room.

There were press everywhere, cameras flashing as they each took their seat at the table that was on a raised platform. Jay sat at the end, beside Harry who was next to Liam, Niall on the other side. They all said nervous hellos to the press before the questions begun.

“What is Mr Tomlinson’s current condition and what can you explain to us about what's been going on?” 

“Louis got a nasty infection which caused his organs to start to shut down,” Harry began, speaking slowly, “he was put into a medically induced coma so that the antibiotics were able to work most effectively and so that Louis was able to be put on a ventilator. Shortly after this, there were some serious problems with Louis’ heart and he had open heart surgery which was a success. Louis stayed in a coma for seven days and we are able to announce as of today that Louis’ body is free of infection and he woke up from the coma earlier today.”

“What about the injuries that Louis sustained whilst he was in Dubai? There has been speculation over whether they were inflicted by another band member.”

“Those claims have no truth to them and it's often quite upsetting to hear what the media deems us capable of. Louis is our brother and his ill health has deeply worried and upset each member of the band so the idea of any of us harming him is completely ludicrous,” Liam answers coolly.

“Why has it only been Harry and Louis’ mother at the hospital?”

“Myself and Liam were there originally however I had family commitments in Ireland and I only left once I knew that Louis was recovering.”

“We’re currently in the process of writing our fifth album and so I've been working on that in Louis’ absence,” Liam added.

“Mr Styles why have you been at the hospital daily then?”

“Louis’ one of my best friends, I wanted to be there to support him and as I live in London, it was easiest for me to be there for both Louis and his mother Jay.”

“Harry, is it true that you were staying with Louis when he went into hospital?”

“Louis had been getting progressively more I'll since being home and so I went to see him as I'm closer than his mother is and he was in a bad way but I wasn't staying with him.”

“Has it been important to have Harry there as support Mrs Deakin?” 

“Very, he takes good care of me and my Lou,” Jay answered a little too honestly.

“How do you respond to the claims that Louis has been struggling with drug addiction?” 

“My son is guilty of occasionally using soft drugs in the past however he's through that now. There were never any concerns of him having an addiction and any claims of that have nothing behind them,” she said nervously.

The subject then dropped to Zayn and Harry zoned out, praying for time to pass by quicker so that he would be able to return to the hospital. Once it did end, both him and Jay said their farewells to the boys who were staying in England now to write new songs and drove back to the hospital. Knowing that he wouldn't want to start on his writing session too soon, Harry chose to write lyrics whilst he sat at Louis’ bedside each day. A lot of what he'd produced had been the odd lyric here and there however he'd almost finished a song that he was currently calling “A song for you”.

…

“Has he woken up since we’ve been gone?” Harry asked as they rushed back up to Intensive Care.

“Nope, the doctor gave him a sedative shortly after you left and so he's been sleeping the whole time, shouldn't be too long until he's awake again though so I'd hang around,” said the nurse from earlier that morning.

Jay left for a bit to call her daughters and make sure that Dan was okay, updating Mark who had been there a few days before. Once alone, Harry got back to writing lyrics again, humming softly in attempt to find a tune. Not long later, Louis began to stir, his head moving about slightly along with his hands which he held over his eyes.

“Louis? Wake up babe, it's alright,” Harry told him, stroking the hand closest to him.

Louis’ eyes opened slowly, flicking around the room before landing on Harry, giving him a soft smile.

“What's going on Harry?” he asked, the croak of a voice barely recognisable.

“You're in hospital Lou, what do you last remember?”

“I was in the hotel and-” Louis started before stopping, his eyes growing wide as his breathing suddenly became erratic.

“Louis sweetheart, I need you to take deep breathes for me,” Harry said in a soothing voice, stroking the hair from Louis’ face.

“I didn't want it to happen Harry! Please don't be angry with me, I didn't mean it to,” he started to cry, each breathe a desperate gasp.

“Want what to happen love?” Harry asked, completely confused by Louis’ reaction.

However Louis didn't answer as he put his hand to his chest, discovering the dressing that covered the scar down his chest.

“Harry what happened to me?” he asked, suddenly calm.

“If I tell you, you have to promise to stay calm,” Harry said, earning a quick nod from Louis, “you remember being attacked, yes?” Louis nodded again, “well you were bitten on your back and the wound got badly infected. After we got back to England from Dubai, you stayed at home on your own and when I found you, you'd collapsed.” Harry stopped a moment to allow Louis to take in what he was saying before continuing, “you went into septic shock and they put you into a medically induced coma so that the antibiotics could fight the infection better. Basically, when you were attacked, several of your ribs were broken and one of them made a tear in your heart. They had to perform open heart surgery on you but everything is fine and the infection has been cleared up.”

“So what, I had an infection and I had a tear in my heart!” Louis asked in disbelief, “is anyone else here is it just you?”

“Your mum is, but the others had to go back to writing music and stuff so it's just me,” Harry told him with a cheeky smile.

“Has she been okay?” Louis asked, giving him a soft smile.

“She's been fine, both of us have been staying with Nick and so we’ve been in good hands.”

“Haz, I know things have been bad between us but could we please just try to let it go? I'm really grateful for you being here and all, especially for me mum and I guess I'm just glad it was you,” Louis told him as he stared up at the white ceiling.

“That's okay Lou, I think we could all do with some support at the moment and trust me, I'm going to make sure that you get it,” Harry said with a friendly wink before giving him a kiss on the head, “I'm really glad you're okay Lou, you have no idea!”

“So am I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment, thank you so much for reading!


	8. Hometown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis' on the road to recovery. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before, I've been away for a few weeks and a lot of stuff has happened so it's good to be finally getting this up! To be quite honest, I've had a shit few weeks and I'm really worried this is reflecte on my fic but please read and enjoy! 
> 
> Sophie

It was just under a week since Louis had regained consciousness and he was now sat in bed in his private room. Despite his broken ribs, he was now able to sit up properly without too much problem and had begun trying to write lyrics with Liam through email. They were surprisingly getting quite far with the song that they'd temporarily called All I Know At The End Of The Day. His mum had travelled back to Doncaster two days ago as he was going to be going to stay with her and she needed to sort things out for him. There was no chance that he'd be getting up the stairs so she would need to make room for him in the girls playroom. 

He was recovering well.

“Louis?” came a knock at the door, “I bring gifts and a boy band,” Harry giggled as he showed Liam and Niall into the room.

Niall pounced on him, pressing sloppy kisses to his head as he hugged Louis tightly, ignoring Harry’s protests about being careful, “fucking idiot you are! You've no idea what you put us through,” the Irish boy grinned, dropping into the chair beside Louis’ bed.

“Alright Tommo?” Liam winked, going over and giving him a much gentler hug and winking at him.

“Missed you lads!” he said, using the remote of the bed to sit him up better.

“You have no idea how much we’ve missed you too mate!” Niall told him, lifting up a gift bag that he'd shoved into Liam’s arms as soon as he'd entered the room, “we got you some shit by the way, thought it might cheer you up!”

“You didn't hav-” Louis tried to say but was interrupted by Liam.

“Shut up and take the shit!” he told him, handing Louis one of the two bags. 

Louis opened it and pulled out something wrapped in bubble wrap, looking at Liam in confusion.

“Open it!”

Louis did so, pulling away the tape and carefully unwrapping the plastic to find his phone.

“Why have you got my phone? Harry said he couldn't find it when he went to my house!” Louis said, relieved to finally have his phone back in his possession.

“Well Harry lied, you manage to smash it when you collapsed and so I got it repaired for you. I also bought you a bloody phone case and screen protector you moron!” he joked with a grin.

“Thanks mate, means a lot!” Louis said, searching through the bag to find a new charger, a one direction phone case with Liam’s face on it and a pair of new apple headphones.

“That's enough of the materialistic stuff,” Niall said dumping his own bag on Louis’ lap and flipping off Liam who had begun to glare at him.

Louis proceeded to pull out the large range of sweets and chocolate and crisps that Niall had brought as his way to cheer him up. Due to Niall’s previous record of gifting confectionary, Louis knew immediately that he wasn't likely to be receiving any of it.

“Amazing!” Louis praised none the less, opening a packet of gummy sweets and offering them around, not actually eating one himself. Too many calories. 

“I also have this for you,” Liam said nervously, handing him a white envelope.

He opened it to find a get well card.

Dear Lou,

So sorry to hear you've been unwell mate! Hope they're taking care of you and that you're getting better. Give me a call when you're discharged, would be good to see you,

Lots of love Zayn X

“That's… That's very nice, thank you for passing that on Liam,” Louis said awkwardly, setting the card on his bedside table.

“I um, I bought some flowers but they were taken off me on my way in, apparently it's against hospital policy or some shit like that,” Harry mumbled from the other side of Louis where he'd sat down quietly, waiting his turn to speak.

“That's alright love, I appreciate the thought,” he said with a soft smile that made Harry’s heart flutter a little. 

“I did get you this though,” he added, handing Louis a box wrapped in pretty blue and white paper.

Louis unwrapped it delicately before squealing once he saw the contents.

“Harry Styles you angel, I fucking love you!” Louis told him before placing a hard kiss on his cheek and laughing like a maniac.

“What the fuck did he buy you Lou?” Niall asked with a confused laugh.

“Yorkshire tea,” he replied holding up the box proudly, “I've had to drink Tetley for the last week and it's been the worst week of my life!” 

“I swear he's the biggest tea snob I've ever met, every time I make tea he ends up moaning for the next two hours about how the taste is mediocre!” Harry laughed, poking fun at Louis and his deep rooted passion regarding tea.

“Stop teasing me and go make me a brew!” Louis told him, watching Harry drag Niall off to the kitchen to make tea.

As soon as they left, Louis turned to Liam and begun to chat with him about songwriting and their new album, forcing himself to keep constant communication so that he wasn't left undistracted. He couldn't let them see him like that. 

“We wanted to talk to you about us all writing a song together, maybe going away for a few days and making something about us. About like the four of us,” Liam said just as the other two reentered the room.

“We’ve got about seven weeks before we go   
back on tour and so we could go away on like the fifth week so that you're a bit better and go to the cabin in Lancashire,” Harry said handing him his tea.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Louis replied simply, “I don't want to be rude guys but I'm getting really tired and I didn't sleep much last night.”

“It's alright Lou, you rest yourself up and we’ll see you soon,” Liam said kissing his head.

“Take care of yourself yeah idiot!” Niall teased, hugging him warmly, “we can't cope without you for much longer!”

“I'll be back tomorrow and I gave the nurse a bit of cash to get you some dinner from the cafe later,” Harry told him before giving him a squeeze and leading the others out.

…

It was later that night after the nurse had checked on Louis’ healing surgical scar and dimmed the lights so that he could sleep, that Louis lay in bed wide awake. He'd spoken to his mum and sisters and Stan earlier on, assuring them all that he just needed peace to rest and he was far too tired for visitors. To be fair, that was partially true, however Louis couldn't bare to have them there. He wasn't even sure why but it just felt like too much. To stop himself repeatedly going over everything in his head, Louis picked up his now fully charged phone and went on Twitter.

Louis went to one of the One Direction update accounts and begun to look through their tweets, seeing images of Liam, Niall and Harry entering the hospital, Harry looking stressed and exhausted.

Louis hadn't even noticed when he'd seen him in person. 

He came across a tweet with a link to a news article and opened it, forgetting the number one rule that he'd forced the others to agree to. Never read news articles about yourself.

He skim read it, seeing that most of it was fabricated nonsense, however what stood out to him was the images. The first set had been of himself at an airport, presumably on the way back from Dubai, face battered and bruised, clinging to Harry and looking so terrified that Louis begun to cry suddenly. It was an odd thing, seeing images of an event you don't remember but seeing yourself absolutely petrified as you cling to the waist of a man you barely communicate with anymore is completely and utterly overwhelming. Louis thoughtlessly focused in every detail, heart jumping slightly at the sight of Harry holding Louis to his chest and covering his face from the cameras. God bless Harry Styles.

Louis begun to scroll down again to see a collection of images of his relatives and friends visiting the hospital. There were several of Jay, arms around her two daughters who had their heads hung low as they walked. His mother looked stressed and upset, something he had always despised seeing. That was followed by an image of an exhausted looking Niall and Liam climbing out of a car late at night, hats on their heads and sunglasses covering their faces. And then came a collection of ones of Harry. Harry rushing into the hospital besides Jay. Harry pushing past paps whilst looking like a totally beautiful mess. Harry being guided into the hospital by a frustrated Nick and the younger boy in tears. God did he feel guilty.

He quickly closed the tab and went back to browsing Twitter. A few minutes after scrolling through tweets involving his name, Louis came across a group of fans arguing over what appeared to be a tumblr post. Seeing that a link had been posted he opened it without so much as a second thought.

10 reasons why Louis should have left the band: 

Louis is the worst singer! Like oh my god Zayn has the most perfect voice ever and then there's Louis who nobody even cares about!  
Because he's been in hospital (which was probably his fault) Louis has ruined all the other boys break and has made them all really upset and stressed.  
Louis is the ugliest member of the band and has a really stupid face.  
He has a fat bum and podgy stomach when the others are like muscled and toned.  
If Louis left then there would be no more Larry and the world would be a better place! (Seriously guys why would Harry want to date that?)  
Zayn would have been able to be best friends with one of the others and would have probably stayed because one of the others would have made a better friend.  
He's so annoying now so the boys would probably be happy to be rid of him.  
They might have to postpone the next tour because of him and to be honest I don't even think he's worth it!  
He’s a druggy and got Zayn to start to drugs and he ruins the band's image.  
He literally has no fans and most of us wish he wasn't in the band in the first place! 

Whilst he was reading the list, Louis’ heart began to race and he started to gasp for breathe. By the time he'd finished, he was hyperventilating and had started to cry, dropping his phone onto his stomach. When the machine beside his bed begun beeping his head dropped back onto his pillow and he started to drift out of consciousness. It was only when his room was full of medical staff and an oxygen mask was being put on his face that Louis came to his senses, grasping desperately to the arm of the nurse that was trying to help him.

“Louis love, you're having a panic attack so I need you to breathe for me. Look at me and breathe with me,” she told him, holding both his hands as he continued to panic.

Once he had calmed down, all of the doctors left the room, leaving the nurse to sit beside him and talk to him soothingly.

“Hows about I make us a brew? Harry told me about the tea thing and left me a box of Yorkshire tea, said it might come in useful!” she laughed, popping next door and returning with two steaming mugs a minute later.

“Thank you,” he said nervously.

“What made you panic Louis?” she asked him, taking a seat next to him.

“I-” Louis tried to think of an adequate excuse but he was at a loss. 

“Excuse me if I'm interfering but I know you were attacked, did that have anything to do with it?” 

“You're not, interfering that is, and yeah I guess. I know what the media says about me and I know that I'm quite rowdy I guess but I don't get into fights. I don't go looking for arguments or start on people and I'm not a violent guy in the slightest,” Louis explained, not wanting her to think that he'd gotten into a drunk scrap.

“So it wasn't an argument then?” Louis shook his head, “why would someone attack you for no reason? What would be the point?”

“There was definitely a fucking point of it to them,” Louis blurted out angrily, mentally scolding himself after.

The nurse’s face suddenly dropped before she gave him a sympathetic but understanding look, “what did he do to you Louis?” she pressed.

“You know what he did,” Louis whispered, looking away.

“Did you see a doctor about it?” she asked, not wanting to force Louis to use the words.

“No, although I don’t really remember much about after it happened.”

“Doctor Walker explained why right?” He nodded his head. “Have you told anyone what happened? One of your band mates? Your mum?”

“I can't, how do I sit one of the lads down and tell them that that happened to their best mate? Tell them that I couldn't do anything to stop it? Tell them that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't put myself in a stupid position? How do I tell my mum that?” Louis asked, knowing that this was never going to be something that he would tell anyone else.

“They're not going to think any less of you, you know. People can really surprise you with how supportive they can be but you just have to give them a chance. It's not easy Louis, I wouldn't lie to you and tell you that opening up about this stuff is going to be easy but it's going to be the best thing for you in the long run.” 

…

It was two weeks later and Louis was sat in the passenger seat of Harry’s Land Rover, driving back to London. He'd just spent the last week recovering at his mums and now he was ready to go home. It had been the typical tearful goodbye that he had become accustomed to with his large family, Lottie and Fizzy begging Louis to stay longer whilst the oldest set of twins sat playing with Harry’s long curly hair. It had been nice to be back in his hometown and so it was difficult saying goodbye to his youngest siblings. Weirdly, it was the longest gap of time he'd ever had to spend with them without interruption and he was starting to get used to napping with a young baby beside him or having them sit in bed with him whilst the others were at school. Because he'd been on bed rest for the first week and a half and needed help simply getting out of bed, Louis appreciated having Doris and Ernest to play with all day.

“Oi sleepy head, your mum said not to let you sleep on the way home because you won't sleep tonight!” Harry laughed, glancing over to see Louis snoozing beside him.

“‘M not sleeping, my eyes are just closed,” Louis mumbled, opening his tired eyes and turning to his bandmate.

“Sure!” Harry mocked him, turning on the radio.

The end of Uptown Funk was playing and before they knew it the familiar chords of their own song was filling the car.

“Oh my god turn it off!” Louis shrieked, reaching over to the stereo to turn it off only to have Harry seat his hand away and crank up the volume, “I hate you so much!”

“You’re insecure, don't know what for!” Harry sung loudly, dancing stupidly behind the wheel of the car.

By the first chorus they were both singing loudly, giggling at their own fetus voices and remembering the music video they'd shot for the song. It had been so simple then. 

“Y’know, we’ve never actually written a song together,” Harry told him once their first single had finished playing.

“First of all that's not true! We’ve just never released a song we’ve written together and second, why is that relevant?” Louis asked, sitting up properly, deciding that it was probably best to remain awake for the rest of the afternoon.

“Well, we’ve got a new album coming up haven't we! Why don't we write a song for it?” 

“You know that management won't allow us to write a song that's about us,” Louis replied, assuming that Harry would get where he was coming from.

“Why don't we write a song that will be perfect for management?” Harry said simply, a smirk on his lips.

“Why would we do that?”

“Because it's the perfect way of taking control,” Harry said proudly.

And that was how Perfect had begun.

It took them two days to write the lyrics and for Louis, it was probably the most fun he'd ever had writing. In all honesty it was probably the most fun Louis had had since the total breakdown of his and Harry’s relationship. They'd spent the time sat in Louis’ lounge, Harry in an armchair, pen and paper in hand and Louis sat at his piano, playing away as they tried to write. During those two days they'd named the it The Beard Song, focusing on using the most ironic and bullshit lyrics possible.

Louis gave several salutes to Eleanor throughout the song with lines like ‘if you like going places we can't even pronounce’ and ‘I might never be the one you take home to mother,’ giving a nod to Eleanor’s inability to pronounce several the names of cities and total refusal at the idea of telling her mother the truth about their relationship. Although they weren't really talking at that point in time, Louis knew for sure that she'd have a good giggle over it later and that gave him a small amount of satisfaction, even if he'd never admit it to Harry.

Harry on the other hand chose to make very explicit references in the lines ‘of you like cameras flashing every time we go out’ and ‘ I you're looking for some to write your break up songs about,’ giving a metaphorical two finger salute to Caroline Flack and Taylor Swift who had used him for their own gain. It had resulted in the two of them lying on the sofa for half an hour giggling about how they imagined Taylor's face would be when she found out. It was nice.

…

Harry left two days later and despite having enjoyed his company, Louis was desperately relieved. It was hard, keeping up the pretence of calmness when he was still breaking down inside and so as soon as Harry left his front door, he climbed into bed and remained there for the rest of the day. Due to his inability to sleep through the night without waking up in a terrified state, Louis had become completely exhausted. Despite Harry’s insistence of Louis eat properly, the older boy had found many curve balls over the last two days and had managed to lose a further two pounds. The last time he'd weighed himself which had been before his attack he'd weighed 130lbs. As soon as he'd been able to walk by himself he'd used the scales in his mother's bathroom and discovered that he was now 115lbs. It was perfect. 

… 

Liam had been there for exactly a week when Louis decided to show him something. 

Louis had learnt early on in the band that he could express himself through lyrics because no one would ever understand the truth behind them. During their relationship, he and Harry had written many songs under false names or with hidden meanings. It was important to them.

However after their split, after the fight, Louis, with the help of a particularly naive Liam, wrote Spaces as a slightly bitter goodbye to his ex. It hadn't started off as angry and with the intention of being hurtful, however it had all come spilling out and when he finally got to play the other boys the song, he relished in the pained look on Harry’s face. Despite never explicitly telling Louis this, Where Do Broken Hearts Go had been his attempt at an apology. A very failed one seeing as Louis ignored the sentiment behind it and continued hating his guts.

“Liam, could I play you something I wrote? I want to add some more to it but I've got the lyrics and the piano down,” Louis told, settling in front of his piano and beginning to play.

It's inevitable everything that's good comes to an end, 

He remembered using those exact words when they'd parted on the morning after they'd decided to split.

It's impossible to know if after this we can still be friends, yeah

 

To be fair to them, despite the eventual destruction of their relationship, they'd managed to remain close friends for a considerable number of months.

I know you're saying you don't wanna hurt me  
Well, maybe you should show a little mercy

 

Harry had begged him not to hurt him. Not to leave but Louis still left. Still destroyed them both.

The way you look I know you didn't come to apologize

He never did apologise to Harry properly after they split for lying to him for so long and that would always be something he would live to regret.

Hey, hey, hey  
Oh, why you wearing that to walk out of my life?

 

Harry had looked so beautiful that night. His hair pushed back from his face and in that grey jumper. He was so perfect.

Hey, hey, hey  
Oh, even though it's over you should stay tonight

 

Louis had promised himself that he'd travel to his mums that night and that he wouldn't stay but no amount of self control would have stopped him from being with Harry that one last time.

Hey, hey, hey  
If tomorrow you won't be mine  
Won't you give it to me one last time?

 

Every part of that night from the sex to the tears to the whispered words of love were all goodbyes. They never said the words but in everything they did, they did it like it was to be the last time.

Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye

 

And he did.

Unforgettable together, held the whole world in our hands  
Unexplainable, a love that only we could understand, yeah

It didn't matter who, no one understood the pain that they went through during the following months. They didn't understand that they were being ripped apart and that the other was the only person who could put them back together.

I know there's nothing I can do to change it  
But is it something that can be negotiated?

 

Harry had begged him to change his mind but it didn't matter what he said, Louis had to do what was best for them.

My heart's already breaking, baby, go on, twist the knife

And in the end, Louis did. Despite being the one to leave, he still chose to punish Harry for attempting to move on.

Hey, hey, hey  
Oh, why you wearing that to walk out of my life?  
Hey, hey, hey  
Oh, even though it's over you should stay tonight  
Hey, hey, hey  
If tomorrow you won't be mine  
Won't you give it to me one last time?

 

There was no way that either of them would ever forget it. 

Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye  
Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye

One more taste of your lips just to bring me back  
To the places we've been and the nights we've had  
Because if this is it then at least we could end it right

 

No matter how much it hurt to walk out of there the next morning after being held like that all night, Louis always stood by his decision to give them one last night. One last night to remind each other how much they loved them.

Oh, why you wearing that to walk out of my life?  
Hey, hey, hey  
Oh, even though it's over you should stay the night, yeah  
Hey, hey, hey  
If tomorrow you won't be mine  
Won't you give it to me one last time?

Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye

Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye  
Oh, baby, let me love you goodbye

“Wow,” Liam breathed out several minutes after Louis had finished playing.

“Is it bad?” Louis replied nervously.

“Bad? Jesus Louis, it's certainly not bad at all! You wrote this for Harry?” he asked, going to join Louis at the piano.

“I actually wrote the original version the January after we split but I only finished it a few days ago. Do you think it could go on the album?” Louis self consciously asked.

“Of course I do! It's amazing Louis, really really amazing!” 

They spent the rest of the day working out instrumental accompaniments and separating the song to fit their voices. It was a fun day all in all and Louis felt the most normal he had in ages, messing about with Liam and writing music. It was like nothing had ever happened. But it had and he was very much reminded that night.

...

Liam was searching for a clean pair of pants in Louis’ draw when he found it. He'd only packed to stay for four days and the pair of them were hopeless when it came to washing machines so Louis had agreed to lend Liam underwear for the time being. Whilst rummaging through the draw he managed to catch a glimpse of a plastic baggie and he didn't even have to question what it was when he pulled it out. 

“Louis?” he yelled down to the man who was on the treadmill downstairs, music blaring as usual.

“What?” came the shout in reply.

“Come here!” the music suddenly cut out and a few moments later Louis came up the stairs covered in sweat with a towel round his neck.

“What do you want Li?” he asked, slightly out of breath.

“What the fuck is this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave me comments and Amy suggestions or requests of what you want to see happen!


	9. Fall Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis' pumped for his first night back, but for all the wrong reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I know it's been an age since I've actually posted anything but I'm back now and I'm determined to finish the fic and give it the attention it deserves! Thank you for support.  
> So much love as always  
> Soph

Fall Away 

Due to his ill health, Louis missed the entirety of the European tour, spending most of his time trying to get himself up and about enough to go back to his hectic life style. Despite the fans obviously being disappointed, especially considering that there were only three of the originally five member band on tour, Louis sent a five minute long video each day that was played to the arena, giving an update of his progress and just chatting about things to keep it light hearted. 

It was the first day back on tour and Louis had just finished with Lottie and Lou in hair and makeup. The other boys had left him for a few minutes to get changed, knowing that he’d want some privacy due to the large scar running down his chest. Louis pulled on his skinny jeans which were a lot looser than the last time he'd worn them. Wanting to keep his scar hidden from view for as long as possible, he opted for a loose white t shirt that had the adidas logo along the front and slipped on his vans. It wasn't long before there was a sharp knock on the door and Liam came in to find him.

“They're calling us to stage in a minute! You ready Lou?” Liam asked, his grin failing to mask his concern for his best friend.

“Definitely! Are the others waiting backstage?” Louis asked, jumping up to join him, ignoring the nerves bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

“Yeah, I left Niall and Haz just as they had begun fighting for the last pack of maltesers! You know what, I’ve not been this pumped for a show in months Lou!” Liam told him happily.

“Same! I'm gonna run to the loo okay Li, I'll catch you up in a minute, yeah?” Louis said suddenly, his will power not enough to stop him anymore.

“Alright mate, see you in a few.”

Louis ducked into the toilets, checking that each cubicle was empty before locking himself in the end one and pulling the small bag from his front pocket containing the cocaine. There was barely any left but it was enough to get him through. Putting the seat of the toilet down, Louis grabbed his hotel room key from his pocket and opened the zip lock bag. He used the end of the key to scoop out a large amount of cocaine before placing the bag on the seat. With a deep breathe, Louis placed a finger over one nostril, bringing the key up to his nose and snorting the substance. 

Louis leaned back against the door, wiping his nose with the back of his hand so that no evidence was left. The last thing he needed was someone noticing his habit. Louis hid the cocaine back in his pocket before shaking himself off and heading back out to the backstage area.

“Louis!” Niall shouted as soon as he spotted the boy, pulling him into a big hug before pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. 

“Nialler, that was disgusting!” he teased, wiping away the spit with a mock grimace.

Louis then turned to Harry, giving him a much gentler hug, his heart fluttering when the younger boy pressed a much softer kiss to his cheek.

“Group huddle lads?” Louis said, pulling Harry and Liam towards him so that they were all able to group together.

“Right, we’re gonna fucking smash it out there tonight right boys!” Liam said, grinning fiercely.

They then all then looked to Louis, waiting for him to start off their usual pre show tradition.

Louis took a deep breath before saying, “Harold, you ready?”

“Ready Loueh!”

“Nialler, you ready?”

“Ready Lewis!”

“Payno, you ready?” 

“Ready Lou!”

“Tommo, you ready?” Harry asked, his eyes bright.

“Ready Haz!” he grinned, hugging them tight before sending them off to go on stage.

The crowd went mad as Niall began playing clouds on his guitar and the other three ran out on stage. As Louis listened to the perform, he begun to feel the nerve seeping into his system. The rest of the song was a blur and before he knew it, they'd finished the song and the boys had begun talking, welcoming the crowd and chatting.

“San Diego! Because this is our first night of our US tour, we thought we’d do something a little special!” Niall announced, sitting down on the end of the catwalk beside Liam and Harry. 

“We’ve never performed this song live before so we might need a little help but I'm sure you could give us a hand!” Harry added before they begun to sing.

Liam started his first verse of Something Great, singing Zayn’s lines confidentially to the crowd that was suddenly filled with lights from the fans torches. Despite the original screaming, by the time Harry had reached the chorus the entire crowd was silent, most audience members in tears. Just as they begun the chorus for the second time, the got up, smiling at one another. 

Rather that singing Zayn’s line of ‘I want you here with me like how I pictured it so I don't have to keep imagining,” Harry lifted his microphone before saying, “why don't you come give us a hand Lou!”

All three boys turned to the back of the stage, watching as Louis ran out on stage as they sung “come on jump out at me,” racing down the catwalk towards them and hugging them one by one as they sung. As the song finished, Louis’s heart beat nervously but he managed to get through his two lines successfully, before being engulfed in a group hug. The screams from the crowd only made Louis’ grin wider as he broke away from his friends.

“Missed me?” he giggled into his microphone, winking at them, “because I've really bloody missed you! Nialler, how's about we play them a little Irish yeah?” Louis threw his arms in the air as they sung Act My Age. 

He was home.

The rest of the concert went better than he could have hoped, the boys still messing about with him and keeping him distracted from his nerves throughout. Although he found it slightly, his band mates constant questioning over his safety was reassuring and made him feel safe. Safer than he had in awhile. 

As the boys came to the end of what would usually be the whole of their set, Louis begun blowing kisses out to the cloud, looking confusedly as the other three stayed routed on stage.

“We’re slightly praying that Louis doesn't kill us for this but we thought that it was only appropriate to sing this now!” Liam beamed at him, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the front of the stage.

“This is Don't Forget Where You Belong,” Harry announced, winking at Louis.

“Oh fuck you!” Louis replied, scrunching up his face to hide his grin.

By the end of the song, Louis was being completely crushed by his band mates who seemed to have forgotten about his serious injuries. Before Louis knew what was happening, Liam and Harry were lifting him up and he was been carried off stage on their shoulders, the crowd screaming and cheering.

…

They quickly made their way back to the hotel, all of them laughing with big genuine grins plastered to their faces. All of them apart from Louis. Despite joining in with the other’s banter, his mind was focused on working out a way to get away from them long enough to get to his room. Specifically to his case in his room. Specifically to the White powder in a plastic bag in his case.

“Fancy heading out tonight Lou? Celebrate you being back and all?” Niall asked, slapping his knee and grinning at him.

“Sounds good but I've got to get out of me clothes, I probably stink!” he replied as the others pretended not to notice him flinch when Niall’s hand came into contact with his leg.

“Let's meet back here in half an hour alright boys?” Liam told them as they climbed out of their cars, ducking away from the press and fans into the hotel.

As soon as Louis was in his room, he locked his door and lay down on his bed, allowing himself to breathe for a few moments. 

It took him a while to find the energy or motivation to get up and go for a shower. As much as he loved the water, taking off his clothes and being naked for a substantial amount of time was possibly the least appealing thing he could do right now. However, once he was in the bathroom, he pulled of his shirt and skinny jeans and turned to the mirror. It wasn't a pretty sight. His ribs protruded from his chest, each bone sticking out causing him to look like a skeleton. He put his hand on his hip bone, before moving it round and squeezing the large area of ‘fat’ on his back. Still fat. Still ugly. Still not perfect. Louis dug his nails into his thigh, a small rush of satisfaction rushing over him when he realised that all he was squeezing was muscle and not the flab that had previously covered his legs. The burst of  
happiness didn't last long however as there was still a bulge on his stomach from when he'd eaten dinner with the lads - only a small salad mind - but still enough for it to make him feel nauseous. 

Once he'd finished criticising his own body, his eyes wandered up to those staring back at him, dark and sad. He'd grown out his hair whilst he was ill as well as his facial hair which despite management's comments, he was fully intent on keeping. It seemed that the events of the last few months had left him unrecognisable and scarred, much more than just the fleshy line running down his chest. Although the bruises to his face had healed and his ribs no longer caused him any pain, it was often upsetting to look in the mirror as it only brought back the memories of what had happened to him. 

After his shower he changed into a new pair of jeans which he had to keep held up with a belt and a tshirt as the summer weather was too hot for a jacket. Louis then went to his bag and pulled out the well concealed stash, taking one of the cocaine bags as well as the eye drops and walking into the bathroom. Setting it down on the counter, Louis poured a small quantity out and pushed it into a line using the key card to his room. He looked away from the white powdery substance before leaning down and snorting it up his nose, covering his other nostril with his finger. He continued to snort it even once the Coke was gone, ensuring that he got the most of his high, shaking his head about and feeling the slight sting in his nostril. 

He grabbed the bag, fastening the zip lock before stuffing it into the waistband of his jeans and picked up the eye drops. He allowed the liquid to drop into his eye, blinking a few times before moving onto the other. He stared at the mirror one was last time, straightening his shirt again and putting the eye drops back in his bag.

Louis headed down to the reception where he found the others, all dressed in clean clothes and looking just as smiley as before. Sophia had decided to join them on their night out and stood beside Liam laughing at Niall.

“Alright lads! He's ready to celebrate the return of the Tommo then?” he said loudly, wrapping an arm around both Liam and Niall and grabbing one of Harry’s hands to drag them out of the hotel, Sophia following behind them, giggling.

“Someone's perked up!” Niall laughed, squeezing his side before they all clambered into the back of a black van that was waiting for them. 

“Where are we actually going?” Louis asked, legs bouncing in what they assumed was anticipation to be going out for the first time since he'd been unwell.

“Some club apparently that Winston was telling me about, says it has a good vibe but don't get too crazy okay, we’re on the road tomorrow morning,” Liam explained, flinging an arm over Louis’ shoulder as they drove.

They were quick to get into the club, their VIP status getting them access to the exclusive lounge. Once they'd got their drinks in, Louis was up on the dance floor, the others watching him in confusion as he danced about with total strangers, spinning a random girl around in his arms. Liam was on the other side of the dance floor with Sophia, his face buried in her neck, seemingly having a very enjoyable time. 

Harry stood in the corner of the bar, a stiff drink in hand as he pretended to be paying attention to the pretty brunette in front of him. To be fair to her, she did seem to be quite lovely and much more classy than the type of girl of whom he often had misfortune to be the subject interest and if the light way she was talking to him was anything to go by, then she seemed to have a genuine interest in him rather than his celebrity status. Sadly for her, he was both gay and far too concerned about Louis who had just downed another shot to be able to focus on any she was saying. 

Seeing Louis move to a position where he was out of Harry’s line of sight, Harry excused himself from the woman and made his way to a booth where he could keep a better eye on Louis. 

It wasn't that he didn't trust him. 

It was just that he quite simply didn't trust him. 

Louis was reckless at the best of times and in the vulnerable state he was currently in, anything could happen and Harry would do anything to stop that from happening. Even if that meant going out with him whenever he went clubbing and watching over him like a mother.

“Alright H?” Niall yelled loudly as he plopped himself down next to Harry in the booth.

“Yeah good, having a good time?” Harry replied. 

“Of course, where’s Tommo? Still dancing?” 

“Yeah it's good to see him having a good time I guess,” Harry shouted to Niall over the music.

“Yeah, still the same old Tommo!” Niall laughed in reply, “I'm gonna get some shots, what do you fancy?”

“Tequila!” 

“On it!” Niall then wandered off to the bar, leaving Harry to go back to Louis watching.

Well he would have done if Louis was actually there to watch. In the short time it had taken Harry to speak to Niall, Louis had managed to disappear off the dance floor. As soon as he realised he was on his feet and rushing around to check if he was there. He went into the bathroom which was where he heard it. A long snort coming from one of the cubicles. His stomach dropped and there was no questioning who it was. 

“Louis?” Harry asked, his voice suddenly shaky.

“Yeah, give me a second Harry!” he heard him reply after a moment.

“No, can you unlock the cubicle please Louis?” 

“No.”

“Louis, either you let me in or I'll let Liam in and he’ll climb over the top,” Harry told him calmly.

The sound of the latch being taken off was barely heard over the blaring music but Harry quickly walked inside the cramped cubicle and locked it once again. 

“Hand it over Louis,” he said almost instantly, reaching out one hand.

“Hand what over?” Louis asked, pretending to be oblivious as he blinked quickly. 

“I'm guessing it's coke?” Harry said, looking him directly in the eyes.

“Please don't tell the others Harry. I can't cope without it,” he whispered, reaching into the waistband of his jeans and handing him a half full bag of white powder.

“I'm going to flush it and tomorrow we’re going to talk. I'm sorry Louis but the drugs need to stop and if that means telling the rest of the band or management or even your family and getting you sent off to rehab then I'll do that. You mean too much to me to let you kill yourself like that,” Harry told him honestly, throwing it into the the toilet bowl and motioning for Louis to pull the flush which he did.

Harry lead Louis wordlessly from the toilet and walked with him back to find Niall and Liam, his hand securely around the shorter boys wrist.

“I'm taking Louis home,” Harry said loudly in Niall’s ear.

“Is everything okay?” he asked in concern, eyeing up Louis who stood sheepishly beside them

“Not really no, I caught Louis snorting up in the toilets. I'm not having him stay here like this,” Harry explained.

“Oh Lou,” Niall sighed, half out of disappointment and half out of frustration.

“Go get Liam and meet us in the van, tell him and Soph what's going on as well,” Harry instructed before wrapping a guiding arm round Harry’s waist and pulling him out of the club. He slowly ushered him into the van where he sat Louis down in one of the seats and begun trying to check him over. Despite the situation, Louis still seemed to be quite pleased with himself, a smile on his lips. Harry knew it was the effects of the drugs but it still made him mad knowing that Louis didn't appreciate how serious this was.

Looking into his eyes whilst shining the torch from his phone into them, Harry saw that Louis’ pupils were dilated and no longer contracted due to the light. Louis’ heart rate was fast paced and Harry knew that although it was just a symptom of substance use, it could lead to serious complications. Especially for someone who had just nearly died from a severe infection and has had to have open heart surgery.

All of a sudden the doors to the van were thrown open and Niall, Liam and Sophia quickly climbed inside.

“Louis we talked about this! You said that you'd stop after what happened!” Liam scolded, ignoring the others as he pushed Niall out of his way and sat beside Louis.

“What do you mean what happened? What's he talking about Lou?” Niall asked curiously.

“Oh good one Liam! Can you not keep your mouth shut for five fucking minutes! And anyway, I promised that I would consider giving up, I never said I'd go through with it!” Louis bit back.

“Liam! You knew he was taking coke again and you didn't tell us?” Harry asked in outrage, glaring at the man.

“It's none of your fucking business what I take! I'm sorry Harry, I know that we’re trying to be friends again but I'm not your boyfriend anymore and that's not going to change so please stop trying to control me!” Louis said, much more calmly than he had all night.

“I'm sorry Louis,” Harry replied instantly.

“Look Louis, you seriously need to stop this! One day you'll take it too far and you’ll just fall away!” Liam continued to berate him.

“Do you think I really care anymore?” came his quiet reply which left a bitter taste in the air.

The rest of the journey back to the hotel was silent and tense, despite his plan to make sure Louis got to bed alright, Harry decided to take a step back and let him sort himself out. If Harry wanted to get through to him then he'd have to go about it another way.


	10. The Run and Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis finds comfort in the wrong group of friends and finds himself becoming more and more isolated from the boys.

The music was blaring so loud that Louis could feel it in his bones when the beat dropped. The sweaty bodies pressed against him as he danced only made the fuzziness in his head worsen as the lighting flicked constantly between different colours. Louis couldn't remember what he'd taken or who had given it to him but he did know that he was enjoying the effect. He felt completely elated as he gripped the cup of alcohol in his hand. The world was spinning and he didn't even care. He didn't care that his friends were going out of their minds with worry after he'd sneaked past security despite promising that he wasn't going to go out without them.

They didn't trust him.

Considering everything he'd done over the last few weeks, they had every reason not to trust him which is why they'd imposed a ban on alcohol on the tour bus and had subjected Louis to daily drugs searches. Liam had made the mistake of telling him that they would be checking his things and his person every day so Louis had just had to get clever about his usage. He kept the weed in plain sight and seeing as the others all enjoyed a spliff themselves, they allowed him to indulge once in awhile. The cocaine however, he had to hide it in the box of tea in the small kitchen that none of the others ever dared touch.

The cleverest people in this world are those who are desperate or addicted. Drug addicts have to lie to survive and so when it comes to a desperate situation where they’re forced to chose between the smack and their friends, they don't have to chose. They never chose. They just lie another lie that only makes it hard to come clean in the end. Because coming clean isn't just about giving up the shit that got you there in the first place. It's about ridding yourself of the lies and the guilt that have only driven the addiction to the place that it is for you to be that desperate.

That was by Louis had managed to step back from partying for almost 3 weeks once the boys had enforced the ban. It wasn't too hard to give up because he was only giving up the environment. He still hid in the toilet cubicle and did a line of coke before every concert as it gave him back the confidence that he'd lost.

He'd actually wanted to stick with that and not go out so that he didn't have to lie about going out but today had been a shit day. Louis had eaten breakfast with Niall that morning, agreeing with himself that that was going to be his only meal, however when   
Harry had wanted to order burgers to the hotel, he'd found himself being forced to eat a greasy beef burger and a more sweet potato fries than he dared to admit. It had lead to a binge on junk food that night before the show and he'd eaten so much that he ended up throwing up when he hid in the toilets to do a line preshow.

At about 2am, Louis had gotten talking to group of men and women, similarly aged to himself that had been the ones to pass him the pill. 

“Tomlinson, we’re off to a party in a bit, fancy joining?” Jamie, one of the girls asked him. 

“Sounds good, I'm guessing we can get some better shit there right?” Louis replied, almost shouting in her ear due to the ridiculously loud music. 

“We’ve got someone bringing in some Es but he's always loaded with other shit so it'll be a sick night!” she replied, leaning into him enough that her boobs were almost thrust in his face.

After another half hour, Louis followed Jamie and the others out of the club and into a taxi. 

They were all hassled by paparazzi and fans who insisted on trying to make conversation, however in Louis’ current state, he knew that neither were going to do him any good. He ignored their constant questions and made sure that everyone else was in the car before climbing in in himself, taking one last look at one of the photographers behind him.

“Oi, Tomlinson, why do you have to be such a twat?” he heard someone shout and that was when he snapped.

“Who the fuck said that?” Louis shouted, climbing back out the taxi.

“I did! You chose to be famous so why do you always pretend that you don't like to be papped!” one of the paparazzi shouted, his camera abandoned around his neck.

“Oh fuck off you stupid prick!” Louis sassed before head butting the man as hard as he could, watching him fall to the floor before climbing back in the taxi.

As soon as Louis sat down, the whole car erupted with cheers and he sat back in his seat, smirking with self pride. There were four men, Joe - a self obsessed guy that had been trying to sleep with Amy all night , Kyan - a much more down to earth guy who Louis had been eyeing up all evening, Andy- the oldest of the group who had invited Louis to join them and Luke - some bloke who barely spoke and Louis was almost certain had taken enough drugs that evening to knock out a horse, whom were all dressed in the tightest of skinny jeans and branded shirts, escorting the girls and Louis to the party. The tallest of the three girls, Alexa, wore a knee length skin tight burgundy dress and had sat herself on Louis’ knee, her hand on his, thigh as they all laughed. 

They'd been in the party for about half an hour when a guy that Louis recognised to be the dealer he went to in LA walked through the door. 

“Tomlinson? The fuck are you doing here mate?” Matt laughed, pulling Louis into a manly hug and clapping him on the back.

“No fucking clue!” Louis replied downing the last of his drunk.

“You still gonna be needing to pick up on Friday or do you want to bring it forward?” 

“Thursday would be better, I'm running slim.”

“I was bringing some Es for this lot but I've got some crystal if you want it?” Matt offered, patting his hoodie pocket.

And that was how Louis found himself lying on the floor of a stranger's lounge cackling like an idiot. He didn't actually know a single one of the people around him but here he was, at 3am, drinking his (ridiculously small) body weight in alcohol and tripping on Meth. Fantastic. 

“I’m not even joking yeah, you've never seen anything like it! I nearly got my entire fist up there the other night!” Joe boasted from the sofa, smirking at the others cheers of approval.

“Oi, pop star, what about you? You got a bird?” quizzed Sammy, one of the guys he'd met at the party.

“No, haven't you heard? I’m gay!” Louis laughed, not even thinking of the consequences.

“That's cool, so are most of us mate! Kyan was fucking Joe up until last year but Joe screwed it up, didn't you?” Sammy teased, elbowing Joe who was barely even on the same planet as the rest of them, “what about you Tommo?”

“I was with someone for about three years, thought I was gonna marry him and everything but it all got fucked up because of the band. I really loved him too but now I'm just lonely,” Louis explained half out of it.

“Has there not been anyone since?” Joe slurred, suddenly taking an interest in the conversation again, seemingly shocked that Louis could go so long without shagging anyone.

“I never felt like I could move on really,” Louis just shrugged, the empty feeling that he'd blocked out for so long suddenly invading his stomach.

“That's sad man,” Sammy concluded as the conversation returned back to nothingness.

Before he could process what was happening, Louis felt tears run down his cheeks and climbed out of bed, “I’m gonna go to the kitchen, anyone want anything?” he croaked out, walking away from the group of inebriated adults.

Louis stood in the kitchen, his head pressed against the white cupboard as he tried to cool down. In his drunken state, he could barely process the sudden influx of emotions that hit his body so he simply stared ahead of him at the cold wooden door. It was all so fucked, it always so fucked. Hearing the door to the kitchen open from the other side of the room, Louis decidedly stayed facing away from the person whom had just entered, hoping that they'd just get what they want and leave. A gasp escaped Louis’ lips as he felt a pair of thin but muscular arms wrap around his skinny skinny waist.

“Maybe you just need some help leaving him behind,” Kyan’s light American accent came from behind him.

Louis span round in his arms and before he knew what he was doing, he had his lips locked with Kyan’s and a trembling hand resting on his bum. The kiss was hot and tongue filled, both of them grabbing at the others clothing to get them as close as possible. Feeling suddenly very brave, Louis bit down on his lips, earning a deep moan from Kyan which went straight to his lower region. It had been so long and he was so desperate. The begun grinding up against each other desperately, all teeth and tongue, hands everywhere. 

The voice that was screaming at him from the back of his mind suddenly broke through to him and Louis pulled away from the kiss, panting for breathe.

“You got a rubber?” Kyan breathed in his ear, his breathe heavy.

“Not on me,” Louis replied, wanting to run away from there.

“You clean?” came the second question at which point Louis became certain that Kyan wasn't going to give up.

“Don't wanna risk it, just let me blow you,” Louis compromised, falling to his knees and pulling down the other man's trousers with him.

Louis begun giving him a blow job, ignoring the disgusting and now slightly unfamiliar taste of dick in his mouth, he wasn't sure if he wanted to think about how long it had been since he'd last done this but he knew there had been no one since Harry. He'd always enjoyed sucking Harry off, especially when they were a little rough but right now, having some guy fuck his mouth made him want to throw up. Every groan that came out of the other man's mouth made Louis’ stomach churn and every part of him was begging for it to be over soon. He winced at Kyan’s constant tugging of his hair and just as Louis was about to pull off and put an end to the whole horrific thing, the door flew open behind him.

Shouts of “police, hands in the air!” filled the room and Louis was suddenly being dragged away and handcuffs were being snapped into his wrists. He looked around him to see numerous police officers with hand guns and he almost felt like bursting into tears. It was all fucked up again. 

Whilst he was lead away from the kitchen, he saw the others being taken from the lounge and out the front door where they were bundled into police cars. As soon as he stepped out of the house, cameras began to flash and he was being surrounded by paparazzi. Shouts of questions directed towards both Louis and the police officers came from every which way and it was so overwhelming that when Louis was bundled into the back of a police car, he almost felt relieved. Almost. Up until the point that he remembered that he'd just been arrested and that this was just the start of the shit that was to come. Although he wasn't entirely sure what was even going on, Louis was certain that the future was definitely going to be a whole lot worse.

…

Louis awoke the next morning in a dingy room on a hard bed with a horrific headache. He looked around to see Sammy, Joe and a few of the others that he recognised from the night before all unconscious on the beds. There was sick on the floor and Louis was almost certain that the stain on the wall was from where one of them had decidedly urinated during the night. Although he liked to think he had more class than that, Louis wouldn't be at all surprised if he was the one responsible. Slowly, he attempted to get out of bed but immediately had to sit down due to the sudden wave of dizziness that hit him at full force. Once he’d managed to get to the cell door, he started to call out to one of the police officers that he could see at the end of the corridor. 

“What can I do for you?” the young male officer asked grumpily, annoyed at bruh disturbed so early in the morning.

“Can I call someone to bail me out?” Louis replied, rubbing his forehead. 

“You can use one of the pay phones at the end of the corridor.”

“Thank you ver-”

“Put your hands through the hatch in the door,” the officer cut him off and Louis obliged, allowing a pair of handcuffs with a longer distance and a chain to be attached to his wrists. 

The door was opened and Louis was lead down the corridor to where he was handed some change. Louis took the phone of the hook and dialled the only number that he actually remembered other than his mothers.

Harry.

After a few rings, Harry picked up with a “hello?”

“Harry?” Louis asked nervously.

“Louis? Thank god, we’ve been trying to track you down for hours!” Harry told him in relief, “where the hell are you?”

“I've been arrested, could you send someone to come and get me please?” Louis replied, waiting for Harry to shout at him.

“We’re very aware that you've been arrested you idiot, it's on every bloody newspaper and magazine in basically every country!”

“What?” Louis said in shock, his head throbbing with all the new information that was entering his brain.

“The images of you and your boyfriend being escorted from some house are everywhere!” Harry told him harshly.

“My what?”

“I don't know, I'm guessing he's your boyfriend seeing as he had his hands on your ass and you had his dick in your mouth!” 

“Harry, I've got no clue what's going on, I don't even know why I was arrested, please just send someone to get me so I can sort this mess out,” Louis said before telling him the police station and hanging up.

“Right Mr Tomlinson, I think it's time that we sat you down in the interview room,” the officer told him and he was escorted to a dark room with a wooden table in it to which his hands were then handcuffed.

…

By the end of the hour and a half long questioning, Louis admitted to consuming ecstasy, cocaine and crystal meth the night before and was told that he would either be forced to go through a custodial charge or have to pay a fine. Unsurprisingly he chose the latter which he was informed would be sorted in the coming weeks. After signing a load of documents, Louis was allowed to walk free and was met by an extremely pissed off Paul at the entrance to the police station.

“You're in some serious shit Louis!” the tour manager informed him and lead him to the blacked out SUV that was waiting for him outside the station, “the others are really fucking angry, as they should be and are waiting for you on the bus. I've had your mum and Simon on the phone all morning and the management team is seriously kicking off! You've got a meeting with the suits tomorrow morning but that's not important right now. Answer me honestly Louis, are you coping?” 

“I'm not really sure,” was his honest answer.

He didn't want to lie anymore.

“Do you think you need to go to rehab?” 

“No, but I don't think things are okay. I don't think I'm okay.”

“Well then we need to do everything we can to change that,” Paul told him sincerely, grabbing a bottle of water from his rucksack and chucking it to him. 

…

“Are you fucking kidding me Louis?” Liam half screamed at him as they all stood angrily in the lounge of the tour bus.

“What were you thinking? Meth Louis? Seriously?” Niall questioned, holding up the cover of a newspaper.

Once Louis had arrived back from the police station, he'd been dragged into the living room where the others had been waiting for him, angry and exhausted. 

“You do realise that we had everyone out looking for you including your own sister who has been going out of her fucking mind! We had Lou and Paul going to every club, every bar and then we find out from Twitter that you're fucking around in some party off your face on meth!” Harry informed him, trying to stay as calm as possible despite his overwhelming want to slap some sense into his ex.

“I’m sorry,” Louis whispered, unsure of what else to say.

“You know that the police told us what you were on. Coke, Es and meth, Louis I thought you were past this!” Niall said sadly, ignoring Louis’ pathetic apology.

“I can't watch you dig yourself into a hole again Louis, you don't understand what it was like, last time, watching you almost kill yourself with drugs. I won't do it again, it hurt too much.”

“Are you fucking kidding me Harry?” Louis suddenly asked, gettig up from the sofa where he'd been sat in silence, “you weren't even fucking there for me last time! I needed you and you were too busy screwing around to help the person who had stood by you through everything!” 

“Stood by me through everything? Louis you left me because it was too hard. You. Left. Me. I needed you then too, I was in such a bad place because of management and you split with me! And for the record, even if I had tried to help you, I'd have just received a slap to the face so stop pretending like you still want me to be part of you life because you pushed me away!” Harry fought in defence, forgetting Louis’ currently fragile state.

“Maybe you're right,” Louis concluded, “I don't want you to be part of my life. I don't want you anymore, okay so just get over it and move on.” 

And with that Louis left the living room and climbed into his bunk. 

…

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave me a comment  
> Soph


End file.
